• Dan.F

Man on bus really looking forward to coughing all over you again come July 19th

A man on the bus is reportedly ‘very excited’ to cough in your face on the commute to work again, starting from July 19th.


The man, who will insist on sitting right next to you despite the presence of two empty seats across the aisle, has no plans to wear a face covering and will splutter in your direction throughout the journey to your workplace.

He told journalists he cannot contain his emotions, or his phlegm, after Boris gave the go-ahead to dropping public health recommendations yesterday. The man’s freedom, along with his hacking cough and profusely runny nose, shall no longer be shackled by central government diktats, he confirmed.


“Finally, the chance I’ve been waiting for,” enthused the man, sneezing profusely. “I’ve been spreading germs all over my fellow passengers for years, and am so glad to get back to what I do best.”


Other disgusting people are also rubbing their hands, amongst other things, at the prospect of so-called ‘Freedom Day’.


A pervy man on the tube is planning to invade your personal space again as soon as social distancing measures are eased, he announced.

“I have my shiny trousers all ready to go and my phone prepped to record.”


“The ‘stay at home’ orders of the last year have been tough for me because there have been far fewer women to ogle on the train. So, as soon as July 19th ticks around, I’ll be there leering on the Central Line, hand suspiciously in pocket.”


At the time this went to press, you were begging your boss to let you keep working from home.

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