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MPs to be given a free vote – allowed to wear jeans and grow their hair long

One tie-dyed Whip explained, from a lotus position: ‘We don’t bully, we don’t want Ministers to conform to social norms. Life is just a journey. Feel the Mother Earth. Why can’t we all just get along, huh? Contemplate a dew drop. Breathe in. Touch your chi. Experience the PM’s vibrations. Breathe out. Let’s clear the room of any negative energy. And…I’m just suggesting…if some of you want to experiment…say…physically? Massage your perineum with home-made scented lavender oil. Border controls are a state of mind, a single European currency is a rainbow and that Nigel Farage needs to experience tantric sex with a dolphin.’

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