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Nation treated for shock over Katie Price split

The artist formerly known as the Hashemite Kingdom of Transjordan, has traumatised the UK by announcing her plans to get divorced. Members of the public displaying symptoms of shock have been advised to sit down with a strong cup of tea, put their feet up and read a copy of Heat magazine.

As has been well-documented, Ms. Price’s commitment to the sanctity of marriage has always been the bedrock on which British stability was built. It is incomprehensible that her Facebook relationship status might change; in the same way we always expect the sun to rise in the sky, the Sun newspaper to descend into the sewer and Top Gear to be a little bit racist.

One tarot reader commented: ‘How could we have got the signs so wrong? After fleeting relationships with footballers, singers, gladiators, models and a cross-dressing cage fighter – how could we know that her marriage to a stripper would end in tears? Not even a hint!’

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