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New clause added to government fuel payments loan

Tory scientists have informed the chancellor that each human body contains 0.2mg of gold plus numerous other precious trace elements. As a consequence, anyone taking advantage of the fuel loan is now obliged to sign a form that allows the government to melt their body down to extract the bullion it contains in the event they default on the loan repayments.

Babies under three months have more gold in their hair than older people. This comes from their mother’s breast milk and can reach double the average concentration of gold in Earth’s crust, so it's been suggested by the Home Secretary that the elderly may wish to babysit their grandchildren more frequently and hand them over if their pensions don't cover the loan repayments.

Labour has opposed this move, saying there's enough gold in human excrement for the chancellor to recover if he's prepared to rummage around in it to get his money back.

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