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Nick Clegg to take the place of your birthing partner

The Deputy Prime Minister insisted that the first face every new-born sees, should be a Lib Dem one. An aide said: ‘Yes, it will be a little creepy having Nick wandering around your house in a towelling dressing gown, but he’s fairly confident he can lactate on demand. However he will expect a 50% share of your maternity leave. Yes, he’s cut £15bn in child support, but Mums would much rather hear Nick sing a gentle lullaby, than have the cash’.

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