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North Sea dairies accused of milking ‘cash cow’ consumers

Multinational bovine conglomerate British Lactoleum is facing criticism for profiteering from continued inflated prices for moo-juice, despite baseline prices falling at the udder, with CEO Gerald Holstein accused of having milk on his hands.

Condemned for creaming off shareholder dividends at the expense of, and indeed all over, calcium-starved consumers, Mr Holstein insisted the company was investing literally pence in switching a token 5% of its production to alternative human fuels, such as oat, almond, and: ‘oh, I don’t know- turnip? Gravel?’

Speaking through a luxuriant milk moustache, he continued: ‘We appreciate most normal people we really don’t give a sh*it about will find the switch prohibitively expensive, but remember substitutes like ‘red UHT’ are illegal, and hacks such as adding Nesquik to your cereal may not provide enough energy to get to your multiple cleaning and delivery jobs.

‘Retraining as a barista specialising in milk-rich babyccinos would also help keep the gold top flowing into our company accounts; or simply invest in good old British colostrum and spend the day wallowing in a jacuzzi of the stuff, like I do.’


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