Thames Water plans to set fire to all the rain

In what is being described as fusion between rampant capitalism and a James Taylor tribute, Thames Water said that they will undo recent showers. Their CEO revealed that rain was watering down their profits, ‘We need shortages to drive up prices - which is why we are pumping all the fresh water directly into the sea.’

Monetising thirst means Thames Water can offer premium dryness experiences. ‘Just think about it—no more rain delays for sports; everything becomes desert ball, a brand-new franchise.’ Future plans include repurposing clouds as advertising billboards instead of wasting time making rain.

They hope to see a booming wellness industry of grit cleanses and dust immersion therapy. ‘We’ll be creating additional wildfires to use up any excess water, while the remaining dribbles will be evaporated using millions of hairdryers powered by pure spite.’

Image credit: Wix AI

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Trump slams oil companies for making too much money from his war with Iran

Oil drilled months ago suddenly got expensive

Molecules of oil sucked out of the ground last November, shipped over the Christmas weeks and converted into various grades of petroleum, diesel, aviation fuel, heating oil, tar and various other grades, all stored and paid for several weeks ago have suddenly become very expensive molecules of oil. The fuel in your car petrol tank and your heating oil storage tank, paid for at the pump or via your heating oil supplier won't be hit for additional cost because the industry hasn't worked out how to do that.  Yet.

An oil industry expert pointed out that the war started by the United States and Israel three weeks ago that has tied up twenty percent of oil capacity for the last three weeks is to blame because, well, oil industries that typically make billions of dollars profit a quarter probably won't make all those profits next quarter.  Well, not without raising the prices of oil molecules that have already been drilled, shipped, converted and paid for long before the war.

'There are bonuses at risk here,' pointed out an oil industry executive.  

Prices are not expected to drop until long after the current crisis is over.  Because future bonuses are also at risk.

Image credit: perchance.org