Stop moaning, you're still saving 0.1p per litre, say petrol companies

Global oil firms have urged consumers to focus on the massive 0.1p that they save on every single litre of petrol they buy at forecourts, rather than the eye wateringly high price of fuel at the pumps..

'For decades, knocking a fractional amount of a penny off the retail price of petrol has been part of our strategy to give something back to hard-pressed customers', said Dave Stetson, a spokesperson for the Petrol Companies Association 'Oil be There for You'. 'It's definitely not a marketing ploy to fool people into thinking the price is a penny less than it actually is. No, no-one would be taken in by that, surely?'.

'Prices at the pumps reflect all sorts of factors and they can go up and down...well ok, they don't actually ever go down, but you know what I mean', continued Stetson.

'With prices likely to hit £1.90 per litre next week, we would really ask petrol customers to consider that actually 189.7p per litre is actually a pretty damn good deal, rather than crying as the pump shows incredulously, it is costing £85 to fill up their small Nissan Micra', continued Stetson.

'Us Big Oil companies are also feeling the squeeze', noted Stetson. 'Just last week, my own company GuzzleOil reported annual profits of £7bn, oops sorry I mean £6.997 billion.'

Image: Pixabay/andreas160578

www.newsbiscuit.com

First published 6 Mar 2022

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Spectacular Irony fail as resale sites fume over clampdown on their grossly inflated ticket prices

The irony that concert ticket resale sites claim a plan to force them to sell at face value will drive fans to buy from unscrupulous sources at inflated prices, has stunned almost no one.

Eric Spivly, spokesman for the some say exploitative and seedy industry association said: 'It's crazy. If this is passed it means soon we'll be no longer able to fleece the public legally. The days of striping gullible mugs £6,000 for Adele, Swifty or other big acts' shows will be gone. How are our directors going to maintain millionaire lifestyles then? Penthouses and boats in Monte Carlo don't pay for themselves you know. 

'It's the public I feel sorry for,' added Spivly, with not even a hint of sanctimony. 'If they can't buy tickets off us at eyewatering prices after our bots have hoovered them all up minutes after release, it will see the true fans having to go to independent operators outside the venues just like the bad old days. Sometimes these unlicenced chancers have been known to charge up to £250.'

When reporters asked Spivly if he'd ever heard the word "irony" before, he replied, 'Stop changing the subject. I know nothing about scrap metal.'

Photo by pippen on Unsplash

Betfred holds 7,500 hostages over tax freedom demands

Betfred are willing to dispose of thousands of innocent employees if the government fails to drop their massive, unrealistic, excessive tax on their massive, unrealistic, excessive profits.

The terrorist leader, billionaire owner Fred, made demands on a news broadcast, saying they would have to get rid of the 7,500 hostages if the government implements their proposed gambling tax. 'We will 'retire' a hostage, every hour, on the hour, until our requirements are met. Once the guarantees are confirmed, I will leave. No, I don’t need a helicopter, I’ve already got one.

'We just want a free betting environment,' he continued. 'We are not violent extremists, more like freespin fighters. The oppressive Labour regime is committing atrocities on our profits. If they don’t want to see bodies out on the streets, then they must give us access to our God given obscene bonuses.'

Fred, AKA Freddy the Weasel, Whiney Fred and Freddie Two-Yachts, was calling from an undisclosed location, but probably his £7.5million house in Manchester, or his Lake District mansion, or his property in the South of France.

The authorities are suspicious of a new insurance policy taken out by Fred’s brother, 'Honest' Pete, on all 1,287 Betfred shops. A source known as Lucky Argyle has heard rumours that they all are going to explode during the hostage release, and the police will spend months sifting through rubble, and by the time they figure out what went wrong, Fred and Pete be sitting on a beach, earning twenty percent. The classic Die Hard plan.

As usual, Sir Keir Starmer just wanted all the sausages to be released, unburnt.

Image credit: perchance.org