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Molecules of oil sucked out of the ground last November, shipped over the Christmas weeks and converted into various grades of petroleum, diesel, aviation fuel, heating oil, tar and various other grades, all stored and paid for several weeks ago have suddenly become very expensive molecules of oil. The fuel in your car petrol tank and your heating oil storage tank, paid for at the pump or via your heating oil supplier won't be hit for additional cost because the industry hasn't worked out how to do that.  Yet.


An oil industry expert pointed out that the war started by the United States and Israel three weeks ago that has tied up twenty percent of oil capacity for the last three weeks is to blame because, well, oil industries that typically make billions of dollars profit a quarter probably won't make all those profits next quarter.  Well, not without raising the prices of oil molecules that have already been drilled, shipped, converted and paid for long before the war.


'There are bonuses at risk here,' pointed out an oil industry executive.  


Prices are not expected to drop until long after the current crisis is over.  Because future bonuses are also at risk.



Image credit: perchance.org



Global oil firms have urged consumers to focus on the massive 0.1p that they save on every single litre of petrol they buy at forecourts, rather than the eye wateringly high price of fuel at the pumps..


'For decades, knocking a fractional amount of a penny off the retail price of petrol has been part of our strategy to give something back to hard-pressed customers', said Dave Stetson, a spokesperson for the Petrol Companies Association 'Oil be There for You'. 'It's definitely not a marketing ploy to fool people into thinking the price is a penny less than it actually is. No, no-one would be taken in by that, surely?'.


'Prices at the pumps reflect all sorts of factors and they can go up and down...well ok, they don't actually ever go down, but you know what I mean', continued Stetson.


'With prices likely to hit £1.90 per litre next week, we would really ask petrol customers to consider that actually 189.7p per litre is actually a pretty damn good deal, rather than crying as the pump shows incredulously, it is costing £85 to fill up their small Nissan Micra', continued Stetson.


'Us Big Oil companies are also feeling the squeeze', noted Stetson. 'Just last week, my own company GuzzleOil reported annual profits of £7bn, oops sorry I mean £6.997 billion.'




First published 6 Mar 2022


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The irony that concert ticket resale sites claim a plan to force them to sell at face value will drive fans to buy from unscrupulous sources at inflated prices, has stunned almost no one.


Eric Spivly, spokesman for the some say exploitative and seedy industry association said: 'It's crazy. If this is passed it means soon we'll be no longer able to fleece the public legally. The days of striping gullible mugs £6,000 for Adele, Swifty or other big acts' shows will be gone. How are our directors going to maintain millionaire lifestyles then? Penthouses and boats in Monte Carlo don't pay for themselves you know. 


'It's the public I feel sorry for,' added Spivly, with not even a hint of sanctimony. 'If they can't buy tickets off us at eyewatering prices after our bots have hoovered them all up minutes after release, it will see the true fans having to go to independent operators outside the venues just like the bad old days. Sometimes these unlicenced chancers have been known to charge up to £250.'


When reporters asked Spivly if he'd ever heard the word "irony" before, he replied, 'Stop changing the subject. I know nothing about scrap metal.'


Photo by pippen on Unsplash

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