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Old dogs no longer funded for trick-based education

The Department for Business has decided to remove a culture of just fetching sticks and slippers, while dry humping your leg. Instead, courses will target young pups and if they have not learned to catch a Frisbee in their teeth by the second week, they will be put down.

A spokeswoman said: ‘While we applaud adult learner’s ability to lick their own balls; the truth remains that many have failed to learn any new tricks. And too often shit the carpet’.

One executive, now unemployed, complained: ‘I spent twenty years in the City chewing the furniture, chasing cars and marking my territory with urine. How am I supposed to master new word processing skills, by myself, when I get so distracted by squirrels?’


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