Once a year Churchgoers forced onto ‘Christmas plus’ contracts
Once-a-year church attenders have been left fuming after the terms and conditions of their relationship with the Church of England were unilaterally changed over the festive period.
Under new contracts, those wanting to just attend a Christingle, midnight mass or Christmas morning church service will be required to commit to further God-bothering activities during the year. The most basic, entry-level package requires attendance at the Epiphany and the niche Transfiguration of our Lord services, plus four regular Sunday services during the quietest church months of February and September.
Controversially, Easter is not included in this package. Those wanting to attend both of the two blockbuster religious events of Christmas and Easter will now be forced onto 'Christian Max' contracts, forcing them to buy a load of unwanted religious services including Jesus Gold, a channel showing looped highlights of the Messiah's best miracles and parables.
'We've had to adapt our offer to keep pace with new developments,' said Reverend Stephen Davis, Regional Sales Manager for 21st Century Flocks, smiling falsely to clients at the end of a rammed Christmas eve service.
'We are living in an era of on-demand scepticism and our customers can build their belief-system in a greater being from an increasing range of religions. Plus, without locking them in, none of these f**kers will be here for our Birth of John the Baptist service on 24th June, despite it being the sixth biggest holy day of the year. Its a bloody joke.'
Other religions have been quick to respond to the Church of England's changes. The Catholic church is offering free confessional box attendance throughout January and February, with bosses seeing this as the best way to lock in long-term customer guilt. However, the Jehovah's Witnesses are expected to continue with their traditional door-to-door selling technique, which they continue to operate alongside their lucrative Kirby vacuum cleaners franchise.