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Pensioners helpfully reminded 'your days are numbered'

The Health Secretary has agreed to have the elderly followed by circling vultures and a dyspeptic hobgoblin carrying an oversized hourglass. He explained: ‘Each pensioner will be visited by a blind pirate bearing the black-spot, quickly followed by the installation of a glowing white tunnel outside their front door. If the pensioner has still not 'got the hint', they will be given a face-to-face consultation with a wailing banshee.’

The Government hopes the symbolic foreshadowing of a withering vine, a bloody moon and the smell of sulphur will encourage the elderly to die. ‘Above all, we want this to be non-alarmist,’ said a hooded seven-foot-high skeleton armed with a scythe.



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