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Philippines to elect a box of frogs

Leading by 11% in the polls, President-elect Rodrigo Duterte has said he will design policies as if advised by a small container of rabid ferrets and March Hares. Thus, drawn like a moth to an oxy acetylene torch, voters have endorsed him, choosing to put their fingers in the toaster-of-life.

When not claiming the moon is mad of cheese, he likes to unwind by matching his genitals to Rorschach ink blots. Like the deranged love-child of Mel Gibson and a Tasmanian Devil, Mr. Duterte promises: ‘more insanity than Noel’s House Party’.

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