he UK has informed the world that it's now closed, and Downing Street has hung up a handwritten 'Closed - Back in Five Weeks' sign in the shop window. Everything is shut, including the nations favourite workplaces such as hospitals, Sports Direct warehouses and nail bars as workers stay at home.
The government's self-destructive libertarian tendencies in opening everything up to keep its backbenchers happy means it has completely cocked it all up again, and it's not business as usual.
A government spokesperson was quick to defend its policies.
'Anyone can say we haven't learned our lessons, that we were originally slow to lockdown and now we've been too hasty in coming out of lockdown. Now they are moaning about the NHS app. However, we need to remember that the app is an important tool in our fight against Covid and not a complete tool like the health secretary'.
'Our trusted and valued colleagues in the private sector companies we all have shares in have closely scrutinized the blame list. It would appear that the Italian fans we allowed to come to the UK to watch a grossly unfair game of football have been up to no good in the virus spreading department'.
'Please rest assured that this government will take imminent action should it need to take imminent action imminently. For example, if all the food runs out apart from a carton of pot noodle in Burnley, we do have a vital 'Eat Anything to Stay Alive' contract with our friends in North Korea'.