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‘Pope fails to give birth’

Tens of thousands of pilgrims were left disappointed today, by the pontiff’s inability to produce a Royal Baby. While the rest of the world is gripped by baby fever, the head of the Catholic Church has stubbornly refused ‘to take one for the team’. There is a growing sense that the Duchess of Cambridge has ‘raised the bar’ for world leaders but that the Pope considers himself too posh to push.

Crowds flooded to Rome, with mothers holding up babies as visual clues for Pope Francis or in some cases passing him bouquets of flowers in the hope of pollinating him. Many priests have been valiantly trying for to get Altar Boys pregnant for generations, but Pope Francis has so far avoided opening his papal womb to the public. ‘The Vatican has been ‘dining-out’ on this one miracle birth for two thousand years,’ criticized one reporter. ‘Whereas your Windsors, they’ve been popping out sprogs left, right and centre. Some of them even in wedlock!’


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