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Queen punches Emma Watson

Following a slow news day for the Royals, the UK press have admitted to adding a little 'colour' to aid circulation. One jaded Editor justified the hyperbole: 'We’ve got to print something, We've been recycling stories for months. It’s all ‘recession, blah, blah, blah’. It’s this period between football matches, unless there’s definitive proof that someone got fiddled with by a former celebrity, we just don’t want to know…and neither do you’.

Journalists are concerned that the traditional, inverted story-pyramid structure (with the most interesting elements at the beginning) has been replaced by the 'leaking trough of news'. The 'Trough' starts with a ridiculous and ill-spelt headline, it follows up with a series of unsubstantiated and libellous statements and then finishes with an irrelevant link to something that happened on The Apprentice that week.

'Liz has raised expectation levels since having jumped out of a helicopter,' said the listless Pap. 'We need her to have a wardrobe malfunction, for us to have any hope of reaching the front page. Since Leveson, the usual journalistic tools – hacking…bribery…ritual sacrifice – they’ve all been off limits. We’re stuck watching trends on Twitter or just pasting straight from Wiki. At this rate we might even have to leave our desks to do some research!'


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