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Rail passengers announce strike dates

Long suffering rail passengers say that they have ‘no option’ but to go on strike, in protest at poor quality services, cancellations, rising ticket prices, chronic under-investment, dirty trains, and unbelievably hard baguettes from station kiosks.

'We can’t take this any more,' said a spokesman for the radical rail traveller lobby group PARSNIP. 'This stands for Passengers Against Rail Strikes – with the remaining letters to be figured out later. We are proposing a general strike and will picket rail stations to persuade other passengers that enough is enough and the current long standing nonsense has to stop.

'We have a radical programme of action to help our members to avoid railways altogether. We can provide car loans, bike rental, lifts, discounted running shoes and legally binding work-from-home contracts.

'We can also support the victims of rail travel with counselling, dietary advice, lost property tracking services and debt advice.

'Our radical vision is convert railway lines to express bus routes, to convert rail carriages into accommodation for the homeless, and to use railway stations for shops, to the extent that this hasn’t already happened. We will take direct action to achieve our aims and we will be gluing ourselves to things, chucking soup over stuff, and rustling our newspapers. So watch out!'

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