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NHS strikes ‘caused by applause going to their heads’



NHS workers were “encouraged” to strike for more pay after a grateful nation “unwisely” applauded them every Thursday during the pandemic, according to a government spokesman.


‘It’s like with actors,’ said the spokesman. ‘People lionise them and then they won’t get out of bed for less than ten grand. It was a mistake to bang saucepans and applaud these people. They need keeping in their place’.


The Conservative Party will launch its new campaign slogan “Keeping Britain in its Place” next week, which will highlight the importance of only applauding company directors.


‘Everything we have – the food in your belly, the clothes on your back, that rather grubby car – comes from wealthier people - better people - letting it trickle down. We want everybody to stand on their doorsteps every Thursday and applaud the people who really make Britain great,' said the spokesman. 'And then get back to work.'



First published 20 April 2023


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Opticians Opt Out Of Working



Optometrists Union spokeswoman Julie Piglet said '‘Our demands are very simple – we’re not looking for a pay rise at all. I mean, if they offer us one, we’ll have it – of course we will. But that’s not what this is about.


'For decades – centuries even – opticians have had to wear glasses as part of our schtick. Most of us had perfect eyesight until we became opticians. So our proposal is simple. It’s a like-for-like campaign. We demand, that all dentists must have false teeth, and all doctors must have the lergies. ALL the time – 24/7 lergies. And all surgeons must have something slightly wonky about them. That could be one leg longer than the other, maybe one arm shorter than the other... that sort of thing.’


This campaign has apparently been a long time coming, with many opticians as over the moon as an astronaut to be a part of it.


One optician said 'Before becoming an optician I had perfect eyesight – I was actually head-hunted by the SAS to join their elite sniper program.' He explained this to a coat hanging up on the wall.


An Optometrist Union statement read:


T O

W H O M

I T M A Y C O N C E

R N . W E W O U L D L I K E T O

A R R A N G E A M E E T I N G W I T H S O M

E O N E T O D I S C U S S H O W V E R Y V E R Y U N H A

P P Y W E A R E W I T H T H E C U R R E N T S T A T E O F A F F A I R S




First published 7 Mar 2023


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Nurses striking as ‘too many things up peoples' butts’



Nurses are striking to get slightly-better-than-terrible pay and conditions for their essential and difficult job. Unfortunately the Tories recently got a sticker and a lollipop for over a decade of deliberately underfunding the NHS. Mostly however, nurses want not to have to pull things out of peoples' butts.


Bob Bridlington said ‘I was hoovering. I just happened to be naked. I slipped and the ketchup bottle somehow went up my butt.’


Nurse Eleanor Evans donned rubber gloves, sighing ‘I’d have a tiny bit of respect if they just said “I thought it would be fun, but now it’s stuck”. Would you like to know which Tory MPs and cabinet ministers have been in this position?’


There was a sickening pop sound as Evans continued ‘Which ones haven’t more like. Some of them should have a loyalty card.’




First published 17 Dec 2022


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