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Starmer forbids front bench from singing along with Wilson Pickett

Writer: apepper
apepper
Aug 27


Labour leader, Sir Keir Starmer, has told shadow ministers that they shouldn't join in if they hear any song by Wilson Pickett "to be on the safe side."


Former Shadow Minister, Sam Tarry, has expressed doubts about the policy; "This is taking things too far. I was listening to Ken Bruce in my office when Mustang Sally came on, which I sang along with as it brought back powerful memories of a teenage romance I'd had; I really miss that horse. Next thing I know, Keir's popped his head round the door and said 'you're fired.' I mean, I wouldn't mind so much but I later found it was a cover by the Commitments."

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First published 27 Aug 2022


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NHS strikes ‘caused by applause going to their heads’

Writer: Sully
Sully
Apr 20


NHS workers were “encouraged” to strike for more pay after a grateful nation “unwisely” applauded them every Thursday during the pandemic, according to a government spokesman.


‘It’s like with actors,’ said the spokesman. ‘People lionise them and then they won’t get out of bed for less than ten grand. It was a mistake to bang saucepans and applaud these people. They need keeping in their place’.


The Conservative Party will launch its new campaign slogan “Keeping Britain in its Place” next week, which will highlight the importance of only applauding company directors.


‘Everything we have – the food in your belly, the clothes on your back, that rather grubby car – comes from wealthier people - better people - letting it trickle down. We want everybody to stand on their doorsteps every Thursday and applaud the people who really make Britain great,' said the spokesman. 'And then get back to work.'



First published 20 April 2023


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Opticians Opt Out Of Working

Writer: sketchly
sketchly
Mar 7


Optometrists Union spokeswoman Julie Piglet said '‘Our demands are very simple – we’re not looking for a pay rise at all. I mean, if they offer us one, we’ll have it – of course we will. But that’s not what this is about.


'For decades – centuries even – opticians have had to wear glasses as part of our schtick. Most of us had perfect eyesight until we became opticians. So our proposal is simple. It’s a like-for-like campaign. We demand, that all dentists must have false teeth, and all doctors must have the lergies. ALL the time – 24/7 lergies. And all surgeons must have something slightly wonky about them. That could be one leg longer than the other, maybe one arm shorter than the other... that sort of thing.’


This campaign has apparently been a long time coming, with many opticians as over the moon as an astronaut to be a part of it.


One optician said 'Before becoming an optician I had perfect eyesight – I was actually head-hunted by the SAS to join their elite sniper program.' He explained this to a coat hanging up on the wall.


An Optometrist Union statement read:


T O

W H O M

I T M A Y C O N C E

R N . W E W O U L D L I K E T O

A R R A N G E A M E E T I N G W I T H S O M

E O N E T O D I S C U S S H O W V E R Y V E R Y U N H A

P P Y W E A R E W I T H T H E C U R R E N T S T A T E O F A F F A I R S




First published 7 Mar 2023


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