Latin at 9am, Drama at 10am, Double Maths at 11am: lessons have been learned

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Illuminati go on strike

Following on from other public sector workers, our shadowy overlords have demanded that human sacrifices keep pace with inflation. Said one lizard: 'In real terms we have had a 20% cut in demon summonings. And we've already had a national shortage of hooded robes.'

The strike day will see an absence of government manipulation, control of our media or support of Prince Andrew. Their unconventional picket line will be in the shape of a pentagram and can only be crossed if you have the right cantrip.

Their Union leader, a Mr. S. Atan, explained: 'We expect the minister to come to the table. Not to negotiate but to have their still beating heart, cut from their chest. Oh, and we'd like flexible working hours as well.'

www.newsbiscuit.com

image from pixabay

Rail passengers announce strike dates

Long suffering rail passengers say that they have ‘no option’ but to go on strike, in protest at poor quality services, cancellations, rising ticket prices, chronic under-investment, dirty trains, and unbelievably hard baguettes from station kiosks.

'We can’t take this any more,' said a spokesman for the radical rail traveller lobby group PARSNIP. 'This stands for Passengers Against Rail Strikes – with the remaining letters to be figured out later. We are proposing a general strike and will picket rail stations to persuade other passengers that enough is enough and the current long standing nonsense has to stop.

'We have a radical programme of action to help our members to avoid railways altogether. We can provide car loans, bike rental, lifts, discounted running shoes and legally binding work-from-home contracts.

'We can also support the victims of rail travel with counselling, dietary advice, lost property tracking services and debt advice.

'Our radical vision is convert railway lines to express bus routes, to convert rail carriages into accommodation for the homeless, and to use railway stations for shops, to the extent that this hasn’t already happened. We will take direct action to achieve our aims and we will be gluing ourselves to things, chucking soup over stuff, and rustling our newspapers. So watch out!'