The Easter Bunny will be on strike this year in a dispute over pay, pensions and working conditions.
'I'm on a zero hours contract,' said the Easter Bunny. I don't get much work during the year, until Easter, where it all goes a bit mad. I do help the elves a bit at Christmas, as I'm allowed to handle chocolate gifts and baubles. So, I'm on the bread line, and hopping mad.
'Because I'm on a zero hours contract, I can't use the company gym or the staff discount scheme. Â And I don't get to go on team awaydays. Â Which isn't a problem, actually.
'I get docked money if any of the eggs are damaged, but I'm so busy over the Easter weekend that it's impossible to deliver everything safely.  Some years I run a deficit - I pay more for damaged eggs that I get paid. I think the company is institutionally rabbitist, but HR say that I'm not covered by the Egg Qualities Act. My lawyer has suggested telling the company that I'm trans - that should put the wind up then.
The company says that children should not worry about getting their Easter eggs, as they have recruited hundreds of non-union Easter Bunny Community Support Officers and agency staff to do the work instead.
Picture credit: stable diffusion
The government has stated that the teachers' demands now include 'one million pounds in used notes, a guaranteed safe journey to the nearest local airport, a helicopter to take them to a waiting fully-fuelled jet with permission to fly to any location in the world - for every teacher in England.' Teaching assistants are expected to use local buses or Ubers for the first part of the journey except in London where they are expected to cycle to Heathrow.
The teaching unions claim that the statement put out by the government is 'inaccurate' and the initial version also contained 'spelling mistakes and poor use of grammar' which the government defended due to the 'limitations of running government policy using Twitter'.
'More importantly,' insisted a teaching union spokesperson, 'we didn't make those demands. All we asked for was an increase on the current pay offer to offset the rise in inflation and a commitment to better funding State schools. We'd have asked for various currencies in mixed denominations if we were planning to skip the country, if only to assist in maths, geography and home economics lessons,'' he added.
In other news, a government spokesman has confirmed that a film script for the next Die Hard movie had been misplaced in the House of Commons reading room after the film company making the film had requested access to the HoC for some action shots.
First published 16 Mar 2023
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