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Nurses striking as ‘too many things up peoples' butts’



Nurses are striking to get slightly-better-than-terrible pay and conditions for their essential and difficult job. Unfortunately the Tories recently got a sticker and a lollipop for over a decade of deliberately underfunding the NHS. Mostly however, nurses want not to have to pull things out of peoples' butts.


Bob Bridlington said ‘I was hoovering. I just happened to be naked. I slipped and the ketchup bottle somehow went up my butt.’


Nurse Eleanor Evans donned rubber gloves, sighing ‘I’d have a tiny bit of respect if they just said “I thought it would be fun, but now it’s stuck”. Would you like to know which Tory MPs and cabinet ministers have been in this position?’


There was a sickening pop sound as Evans continued ‘Which ones haven’t more like. Some of them should have a loyalty card.’




First published 17 Dec 2022


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Train Strikes Causing Classic Jokes To Fail




Train strikes have rendered the punchlines to classic jokes inaccurate and the revised alternatives just aren’t as funny. The popular joke asking what’s white and yellow and goes at sixty miles an hour is now; what’s white and yellow and goes at zero miles an hour? A striking train driver's egg sandwich.


A sandwich travelling very fast is an amusing image. A stationary sandwich is not. A fast egg sandwich is also likely to produce an eggy waft of scent, a static sandwich much less so.


A joke which often pops out of a Christmas cracker is How do you weigh a whale? Take him to a whaleweigh (railway) station! This joke now requires an addendum stating; there’s no point taking him to a whaleweigh (railway) station on Thursday or Saturday, because of the strikes.


This isn’t amusing, it’s just a potentially wasted journey with a big mammal of uncertain tonnage.


The punchline of there isn’t one, we’ve had to send the toffee by road instead, is a crap punchline to the popular confectionery joke what do you call a train full of toffee? This used to be a chew chew train! And was enjoyed by all ages.


The joke what is a train driver’s favourite footwear? Platform shoes! Is also not working very well but that’s because platform shoes were a popular shoe choice in the 1970s but not now, although since strikes have come back into fashion in a big way, maybe the platform shoe will too.


First published 17 Aug 2022



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