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French school rioters criticized for not using tractors

Writer: Sir Lupus
Sir Lupus
Oct 4



French politicians have slammed rioting school kids for blockading roads without the use of tractors. A government spokesperson complained that the children didn't understand "proper protocol", and that they will gladly listen to the protesters' demands, providing they first don yellow vests and grill some sheep on the barricades.


Meanwhile, citing a "total lack of respect for French traditions", commentators from the right wing Front National have condemned the rioters for being "far too young", and for burning e-scooters instead of barrels of oil.


"They say they want more lessons and more teachers" said one baffled minister. "Don't they understand that strikes are about working less? Sacré bleu-blanc-rouge!"


"Plus they're causing even more damage to school buildings. Can't they just smash up an American fast food place like normal? McDonald's has more money for repairs than we do."




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Starmer forbids front bench from singing along with Wilson Pickett

Writer: apepper
apepper
Aug 27


Labour leader, Sir Keir Starmer, has told shadow ministers that they shouldn't join in if they hear any song by Wilson Pickett "to be on the safe side."


Former Shadow Minister, Sam Tarry, has expressed doubts about the policy; "This is taking things too far. I was listening to Ken Bruce in my office when Mustang Sally came on, which I sang along with as it brought back powerful memories of a teenage romance I'd had; I really miss that horse. Next thing I know, Keir's popped his head round the door and said 'you're fired.' I mean, I wouldn't mind so much but I later found it was a cover by the Commitments."

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First published 27 Aug 2022


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NHS strikes ‘caused by applause going to their heads’

Writer: Sully
Sully
Apr 20


NHS workers were “encouraged” to strike for more pay after a grateful nation “unwisely” applauded them every Thursday during the pandemic, according to a government spokesman.


‘It’s like with actors,’ said the spokesman. ‘People lionise them and then they won’t get out of bed for less than ten grand. It was a mistake to bang saucepans and applaud these people. They need keeping in their place’.


The Conservative Party will launch its new campaign slogan “Keeping Britain in its Place” next week, which will highlight the importance of only applauding company directors.


‘Everything we have – the food in your belly, the clothes on your back, that rather grubby car – comes from wealthier people - better people - letting it trickle down. We want everybody to stand on their doorsteps every Thursday and applaud the people who really make Britain great,' said the spokesman. 'And then get back to work.'



First published 20 April 2023


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