NHS strikes ‘caused by applause going to their heads’

NHS workers were “encouraged” to strike for more pay after a grateful nation “unwisely” applauded them every Thursday during the pandemic, according to a government spokesman.

‘It’s like with actors,’ said the spokesman. ‘People lionise them and then they won’t get out of bed for less than ten grand. It was a mistake to bang saucepans and applaud these people. They need keeping in their place’.

The Conservative Party will launch its new campaign slogan “Keeping Britain in its Place” next week, which will highlight the importance of only applauding company directors.

‘Everything we have – the food in your belly, the clothes on your back, that rather grubby car – comes from wealthier people - better people - letting it trickle down. We want everybody to stand on their doorsteps every Thursday and applaud the people who really make Britain great,' said the spokesman. 'And then get back to work.'

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Junior Doctors demand a go in a golden carriage

Junior Doctors have said they would happily forget all their outrageous demands about slightly less miserable pay and slightly more acceptable working conditions, if they could just commute to work aboard a golden horse-drawn carriage down The Mall, through Admiralty Arch, along Whitehall to Parliament Square.

One Junior Doctor said 'As a show of good faith, we're even prepared to use the golden carriage that is apparently more uncomfortable than the other golden carriage. Even though I work in Aberdeen, and would have to fly to London and then fly back afterwards, this would still save me money on hospital parking.'

A Tory MP boomed 'I like my healthcare like I like my expenses claims and the Guatemalan rent boys I keep locked in my basement. Private.'

photo: https://pixabay.com/users/analogicus-8164369/

Teachers demands now include a helicopter

The government has stated that the teachers' demands now include 'one million pounds in used notes, a guaranteed safe journey to the nearest local airport, a helicopter to take them to a waiting fully-fuelled jet with permission to fly to any location in the world - for every teacher in England.' Teaching assistants are expected to use local buses or Ubers for the first part of the journey except in London where they are expected to cycle to Heathrow.

The teaching unions claim that the statement put out by the government is 'inaccurate' and the initial version also contained 'spelling mistakes and poor use of grammar' which the government defended due to the 'limitations of running government policy using Twitter'.

'More importantly,' insisted a teaching union spokesperson, 'we didn't make those demands. All we asked for was an increase on the current pay offer to offset the rise in inflation and a commitment to better funding State schools. We'd have asked for various currencies in mixed denominations if we were planning to skip the country, if only to assist in maths, geography and home economics lessons,'' he added.

In other news, a government spokesman has confirmed that a film script for the next Die Hard movie had been misplaced in the House of Commons reading room after the film company making the film had requested access to the HoC for some action shots.

Image: https://pixabay.com/users/artisticoperations-4161274/

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