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Easter Bunny to strike over pay and conditions


The Easter Bunny will be on strike this year in a dispute over pay, pensions and working conditions.


'I'm on a zero hours contract,' said the Easter Bunny. I don't get much work during the year, until Easter, where it all goes a bit mad.  I do help the elves a bit at Christmas, as I'm allowed to handle chocolate gifts and baubles.  So, I'm on the bread line, and hopping mad.


'Because I'm on a zero hours contract, I can't use the company gym or the staff discount scheme.   And I don't get to go on team awaydays.   Which isn't a problem, actually.


'I get docked money if any of the eggs are damaged, but I'm so busy over the Easter weekend that it's impossible to deliver everything safely.   Some years I run a deficit - I pay more for damaged eggs that I get paid.  I think the company is institutionally rabbitist, but HR say that I'm not covered by the Egg Qualities Act.  My lawyer has suggested telling the company that I'm trans - that should put the wind up then.


The company says that children should not worry about getting their Easter eggs, as they have recruited hundreds of non-union Easter Bunny Community Support Officers and agency staff to do the work instead.



Picture credit: stable diffusion

Teachers demands now include a helicopter



The government has stated that the teachers' demands now include 'one million pounds in used notes, a guaranteed safe journey to the nearest local airport, a helicopter to take them to a waiting fully-fuelled jet with permission to fly to any location in the world - for every teacher in England.' Teaching assistants are expected to use local buses or Ubers for the first part of the journey except in London where they are expected to cycle to Heathrow.


The teaching unions claim that the statement put out by the government is 'inaccurate' and the initial version also contained 'spelling mistakes and poor use of grammar' which the government defended due to the 'limitations of running government policy using Twitter'.


'More importantly,' insisted a teaching union spokesperson, 'we didn't make those demands. All we asked for was an increase on the current pay offer to offset the rise in inflation and a commitment to better funding State schools. We'd have asked for various currencies in mixed denominations if we were planning to skip the country, if only to assist in maths, geography and home economics lessons,'' he added.


In other news, a government spokesman has confirmed that a film script for the next Die Hard movie had been misplaced in the House of Commons reading room after the film company making the film had requested access to the HoC for some action shots.



First published 16 Mar 2023



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Priest strike to delay processing of forgiveness of sins




Threatened industrial action by some 400,000 catholic priests worldwide is set to begin this Sunday, on the feast of the holy labourer. Guilt ridden catholic nations, set to endure the worst effects of the strikes, are bracing themselves for public waves of entrenched doubt and regret.



The strike action has been called by priests angry at the papacy's ban on clergy taking work as freelance spiritualists. Priests subsidise their modest incomes moonlighting as jack-of-all religions in cult ridden minority communities, officiating at voodoo wedding ceremonies, and performing mass online tarot readings. Elsewhere, in godless modern Britain, they serve part time as totems of the standin religions, appearing as mascots at Championship level English football sides or judges on Strictly.



Now Rome has had enough. 'Haec nos pigra c*nts satis,' said a prelate in the Vatican, insisting priest pay rates suffice. Papish stubbornness, it seems, will not ease church discord, however. 'I shall be picketing the cathedral this Sunday,' warned an angry priest. 'I see it as an article of faith, indeed a divine obligation -should there be any- to clump any scabs.'



Police, fearful of a minority of violent clergy, have threatened to arrest those who tweet about Southport. Meanwhile to find similar examples of industrial action, you must search back to the Church of England strikes during the early Thatcher years. At the time, no one noticed.


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