Russell Brand's plums soon to go on sale

Mr. Brand's swollen testes, with their distinctive purple bruising, will be available to view in all reputable grocers, broadsheets and public toilets. Years of serial shagging have given them similar vitamin profile to blueberries or a night with One Direction. Tesco said they will be stocking the nation’s favourite lascivious tramp, right next to the devil fruits.

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