By encouraging students to give birth in the classroom, under-age parents can skip to the head of the queue for their catchment area. An DfE spokesman said: ‘There’s no need for your new-born to go home, ever – technically making this an affordable boarding school. Your feral offspring will be able to roam the school library throughout the night, forage for sustenance and nest in the suspended ceiling. And during the holidays, your rat-child can hibernate in the janitor’s cupboard – thus avoiding the need for soap or sunlight.
‘A child born in China today will be able to calculate complex algorithms, recite Mao’s ‘Little Red Book’ and manufacture an iPhone5 all by the age of two. By putting British children straight into the education system while still attached to the umbilical cord, we expect them to survive on a diet of crayons, carpet tiles and probably worship a drinks’ fountain as pagan god. But if they learn to sew the odd pair of trainers with their teeth, so much the better!’