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Senior police officer demoted after traces of villain’s testicle DNA found on his boots

A senior copper’s salary has been reduced to that of an office cleaner after some idiot bought his boots on ebay hoping the would fit her size five feminist feet, but on finding them to be size twelve and therefore unusable, gave them to a shoeless migrant who lost his shoes whist being rescued from crossing the Channel in a small boat.

It transpired that the grateful migrant was an expert in DNA and spent his time On Bibby Stockholm tracing the DNA found on the boots; then after finding a match to an asylum seeker who died after accidentally falling down a police station staircase delved further.

The police remain adamant that the connection between the DNA on the senior officer’s boots is just circumstantial evidence, which may have occurred in some way when the victim had been receiving advice on how to access British legal services, or even through walking through a police station that was lax in scattering sawdust over the floor to catch the blood in the way Butchers traditionally did.

The police officer has been demoted by one rank pending the outcome of the investigation and Tory newspapers have gone into overdrive to find any link they can to the victim and Keir Starmer’s time as DPP.

Sadly Newsbiscuit’s resources fall below those of the Daily Express and Mail, so we can only update this story when we aren’t trying to sober the editor up to point out our readers are getting restless over the lack of articles being published.

Editor's Note: Oi, I wasn't sleeping, I was just... was that whisky bottle always empty? Oh well, it's 11am somewhere!

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