An utterly airheaded fool with far more money than sense has broken all previous records at an art sale, by buying the shavings from guerilla artist Banksy's pencil sharpener for two billion pounds.
A minion speaking on behalf of the anonymous buyer said: 'My employer is so filthy rich that he simply cannot resist pointlessly wasting his money on nothing more than an idle whim. It's just the way he is, and the fact that such a sum donated to charity could've done endless good in poverty-racked Britain, bothers him not a jot. I'm afraid he really is that facile, that vacuous and repellently gross.'
Capstick Fothergill, who took the auction commented, 'This was simply a wonderful lot, and to be given the opportunity, and indeed the honour, to offer it to the market has been the highlight of my career so far. It was a sublime moment when I dropped the hammer at two billion.
'As soon as Christoby's was approached to handle the sale, we instinctively knew we were sitting on an absolute goldmine. The way the shavings are gathered together in the little pot in a meaningless jumble is undoubtedly what attracted buyers. Just so wonderful. It says so much about the artist.'
However, astonishing as the news has been, the new record is not expected to last beyond next Wednesday, when the same auction house is holding a sale of Royal items. Fothergill told reporters, 'Although the Banksy was incredible, I feel convinced the dried turd shat out by one of the Queens's corgis and mounted on a small mahogany stand, will easily command a higher price. We have advised the seller to protect themselves by putting a reserve of four billion on it.'
