The former Prime Minister has been sentenced to community service at a hospice, which will involve lingering bed baths and advising dementia sufferers to invest their lifesavings in the complete 'Silvio Berlusconi CD collection'. He was overheard saying: '...if your Nonna won't sleep with me, there's always the fishes!'.
A Milan court has ruled that Mr. Berlusconi must focus less on strippers called Ruby and more on bed-stripping for those who have long since celebrated their Ruby anniversary. The daughter of one resident voiced her concern about the creosote crooner: 'I placed my mother here so she could enjoy the gentle twilight of her last few years. I'm not sure her artificial hip will cope with 24-7 bunga bunga parties.’