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'Simply NHS' to be launched

Marks & Spencer promised any meat would be sourced locally and technically free-range – if you include riffling through a clinical waste bin. ‘Britain has some of the tastiest patients in Europe – we need to capitalize on this. We plan to launch an ad campaign, with a series of high-definition images of post-operative scars; covered in thick, creamy custard. The television adverts will have a sultry voice-over, accompanied by the mouth-watering sight of a routine appendectomy.

‘Human tissue, now at prices you’ll love. Kosher, halal and child-size portions. Clean cuts of all the fresh meat you can eat – provided the operation has complications’.

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