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Study reveals difference between self-absorbed narcissist and slackers

A study carried out by Nottingham University has revealed that people who spend hours and hours in front of a mirror working on their body image look marginally better than those who couldn’t give a toss.

A survey of 30-40 year old men who spent over an hour each morning showering, applying oil and charcoal cleanser to their skin, preening their facial hair and working on the perfect fade tended to look slightly better than those who had a quick shower, dragged a comb through their hair, applied some Lynx roll-on deodorant and gargled with a bit of Listerine.

Likewise women who spend hours getting their eye liner and blush just right looked better than those who simply used a wet wipe or a damp cloth to freshen up in the morning.

‘For men body shape is everything….but not all men can work on a building site or want to become a farm labourer….some of them are system analysts or software engineers or work at Subway ….so for them it’s all about working out at the gym and getting the right steroid regime.

It’s very important that they look like the cool guy off Love Island ….even if they do send their working day plastering mayo and beetroot on a tuna melt …..for them there’s nothing like having the whitest teeth on the dance floor at Legend’s nightclub or the most buffed guy buying grouting mix in B&Q.

And they might just be up a ladder cleaning the gutters or fishing a dead bird out of the drainpipe….but which singlet do you wear…..all these things matter to the fashion conscious and self aware.

And let’s be honest, who wouldn’t want their dentists assistant to look like she just walked off the set at a Paris fashion shoot or was auditioning to be the love interest in the next Bond movie’.

Astonishing results.

Our next study will be trying to find out why attractive young men and women always seem to fall for older partners with pots of money. We think the findings might astonish some people'.

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