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The Queen to be replaced by Alan Bennett

The Government have unveiled plans to slowly decommission Elizabeth II. Existing members of the Royal Family will be re-homed; while the elderly Elizabeth will towed to a Glaswegian dockyard, dissembled and sold off for scrap to a Middle-Eastern conglomerate. She will then step back from her hectic schedule of posing topless for stamps and touring in as a Freddie Mercury tribute band.

Initially, Mr. Bennett had refused the role, due to his allergy for swan meat. However, the much-loved playwright was instead provided with a sticky bun and a nice cup of tea. His Britannic Majesty, Alan the First, said he hoped the UK could become a fairer society, with better TV Drama and ‘comfier slippers’.

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