Children can now expect to wake with significant surgical scarring in the abdominal area, problems filtering urine and a pound coin under their pillow ‘for their troubles’. The Union of Tooth Fairies confirmed that all gossamer-winged withdrawals will now focus on harvesting undamaged organs, but admitted that the liver of anyone over the age of 10 was probably damaged beyond repair, by an excess of Jägerbombs. A spokeswoman said: ’Manky milk teeth are no good to us. Their street value in terms of buying crystal meth from Goblins, is virtually nil. Whereas kidneys still fetch a high price on Ebay’.
Representatives of Santa Claus have also admitted that they will be phasing out the ‘naughty vs nice’ present criteria. One Elf admitted: ‘Essentially they’re all little sh@ts. So we’re adopting a financial scale. If your parents are rich, you’ll get a better standard of present. Simple. And let’s be honest, that’s how the system has been running for years’. Meanwhile, a spokesman for the Easter Bunny confirmed that he would extend his services to offer sleeping children haircuts, pedicures and ‘the occasional bris’.
