Donald Trump has tried to claim he is part of a great tradition of former US Presidents selling footwear to cover their legal bills. Rejecting the more obvious 'Trump's pumps', the former Satsuma-in-Chief put his name on some - presumably poorly made - gold coloured trainers.
The following copy is a leaked draft of an #ad for Trump Trainers, voiced by the Donald himself.
'First of all, no, it's not bigly weird for a former US President - some would say current President, they're good people - to be hawking $399 trainers at a convention centre in Philadelphia. It's bigly normal. Rutherford B Hayes used to sell bargain brogues. Howard Taft had a line of his and hers matching slippers. Millard Filmore was surprisingly well stocked in stripper heels of all heights.'
'My gold Trump trainers trainers are great for outrunning the law and make it far less likely that you'll be shot by police - although your white face (I'm guessing) will also help. You know, people are saying that Trump trainers - they're solid gold by the way - are the comfiest ever Presidential footwear. Even more comfy than Taft's slippers. They are tastier than a Trump steak, more worthwhile than a Trump University degree and they are eligible to do business in the state of New York. Best of all, the gold goes nicely with my red baseball cap and orange face.'
'They look cheap, but they are expensive. Don't believe me? Just listen to what these internet people - who are definitely not me using different aliases - are typing... with their totally normal sized hands.'
Trump45isthegreatest wrote 'Oh wow, these are great. So great. The greatest maybe. Taylor Swift would never wear these because she is a PsyOp for the failing Democrats.'
BlackLivesDontMatter added 'These trainers are the best, especially if you've got legal problems, they'll never catch you. $399 is a snip. I paid extra, because I am a true American patriot. I - I mean Trump - was fined $355M so only 889,724 more pairs to sell. Hustle up, idiots!'