'One in six people in the UK struggle with literacy,' explained a Downing Street source. 'To educate these dullards is both expensive and time consuming. If we simply deport the useless sixth and import a similar number of army interpreters, we solve the problem in an instant. Yes, it is a little humiliating for a fully grown adult to be enrolled in a primary school – but its preferable to being left in Iraq’.
An estimated 370,000 parents in London struggle with literacy. It makes sense to ask them to leave, in order to make room for individuals with a graduate level education and an ability to cope with a demilitarised zone.'