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UK Steel returns to the Iron Age

The PM has set out his vision for the British steel industry, which involves cutting edge technology from the 8th century BC to the 1st century AD. Speaking from a rudimentary hill-fort north of Port Talbot, he reassured 5,000 steel workers that their jobs were safe - provided they were willing retrain 'as druids'.

'We have to accept that this experiment with steel has run its course and now we should go back to what we do best - the ritual slaughter of animals and painting our bottoms blue. Our range of solutions including the mass production of slashing swords, simple pottery and Celtic thingamajigs'

'The Iron Age presents a great opportunity to diversify into sheep-farming and range of Welsh punch-lines built around the phrase 'rearing sheep'. Yes, you will have to adjust to an average life expectancy of 25, but in Port Talbot that's probably an increase.’

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