Holidaymakers returning to the UK are to be given a scientifically advanced 'coin toss' test to decide whether they should go into quarantine for Covid.
This follows the revelation that only one in twenty of the PCR tests that international travellers must take are properly checked using genome sequencing to uncover dangerous Covid variants.
“What this effectively means is that people have been paying an average of £75 each for a bloke in a lab to hold their sample up to the light and say ‘looks all right to me,’” said a spokesman for NHS Test and Trace.
“Our new system is cheaper, quicker and no less random. Upon disembarking, every passenger must queue up, pay £50 and then shuffle past a grumpy Border Force official who spins a coin and says: ‘heads: you’re clear’ or ‘tails: go into quarantine in a hotel and spend £2,000 you can’t afford.’
“It is scientifically proven,” said the spokesman, “because the science says beyond doubt that the coin will always come down on one side or another. It also means the government can keep the profits flowing to their chums in the private sector who wangled contracts to carry out Covid testing.”
It is thought the coin toss test was dreamt up on the spot by prime minister Boris Johnson during a cabinet meeting while ministers were playing ‘spin the bottle’ to decide who would be the next chief executive of the NHS.