Arsehole formerly known as defence secretary and education secretary, Gavin Williamson, is to receive a knighthood, for his dedicated service to useless dipshits everywhere, it has emerged.
“When it comes to pure dipshittery, Gavin’s credentials are beyond reproach,” commented Sir Percival Humpreys from the Royal Society of Royalness.
“He was sacked by two Prime Ministers in two years. An impressive feat in itself, made all the more remarkable by the fact that the second Prime Minister is himself a useless melt, incapable of recognising his own birthday party taking place before his very own eyes.
“He does indeed bring a new level of barrel-scraping ineptitude to the honours system.”
A bewildered Williamson is quoted as having said, “as an aspiring dipshit, back studying for A-level results that I forgot I took, I couldn’t of dreamed of receiving such an accolade for being this ball-achingly shite at everything.
“I would like to thank all of countless students whose futures I’ve f*cked up, but I’m sure they will totally understand that my staggering incompetence was just a stepping stone for me to get to this point at their expense. Classic dipshitting.
When asked for comment from the Palace, there are unconfirmed reports that the Queen said, “get that dipshit, Andrew to do it.”