Tories accuse Labour of stealing its "destroy the country" policy

Senior Conservatives have accused Labour of taking it's "destroy the country" policy and claiming it as their own.

Sir Gavin Williamson led the charge. 'Destroying the country is our brand, it's what we do. So it's a bit rich for Labour to announce they're also going to have a go. Personally, I have worked very hard cocking up defence and education and you won't believe what I had to try and unsee in exchange for my knighthood. When I close my eyes, I can still see it. I don't think anyone from Labour would go that far.'

Chris Grayling was due to speak but due to an "incident" with a revolving door, didn't arrive at the press briefing.

Sir Gavin went on to propose replacing lorries with pogo sticks.

Tory MP defends awarding of Savile knighthood

A Tory MP has defended the awarding of a knighthood to children’s entertainer Jimmy Savile saying that if it hadn’t been for the disgraced entertainers relentless pursuit of children and young adults for sexual gratification we may never have known the full extent of paedophilia here in the UK.

Barnet MP Gummidge Boufficant says Savile’s contribution in bringing the vile crime to our attention and his lifelong friendship with former Tory leader Margaret Thatcher should never be underestimated and a knighthood was the least he deserved.

The serial defender of the indefensible, known for his trademark toadying and sycophantic manner was adamant that Savile’s knighthood had been well deserved at the time and that people should not judge him by today’s standards.

Mr.Boufficant also defended Boris Johnson’s breaches of Covid law by saying everybody was partying during lockdown and people such as teachers and nurses were mostly pissed throughout the pandemic and had clearly broken lockdown rules.

'Now….can I call upon you to sign my petition to get Dr.Harold Shipman a posthumous knighthood for his role in highlighting the plight of the elderly under Tony Blair’s Labour government’ added Mr.Boufficant.

Queen complains about Knighthood workload

The Palace has confirmed that Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the Second, has expressed concern that she is going to be worn out knighting 'every Tom, Dick and Harry' if the selection of Gavin Williamson is anything to go by.' Seemingly the Palace feels the bar is set so low that snakes are going to struggle to get under it and anyone with modicum of incompetence and the odd compromising photo of the Prime Minister is going to request a Knighthood any day soon.

'That includes half the Metropolitan Police, which explains why it is taking so long to process the Partygate evidence,' said a minor constitutional expert, who confirmed he had a photo of Boris with a girl twenty years younger than himself. 'Might be an assistant, might be something more salacious, whatever, must be worth at least an Earldom,' he mused.

Image: Pixabay/dimitrisvetsikas1969