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Tories accuse Labour of stealing its "destroy the country" policy


Senior Conservatives have accused Labour of taking it's "destroy the country" policy and claiming it as their own.


Sir Gavin Williamson led the charge. 'Destroying the country is our brand, it's what we do. So it's a bit rich for Labour to announce they're also going to have a go. Personally, I have worked very hard cocking up defence and education and you won't believe what I had to try and unsee in exchange for my knighthood. When I close my eyes, I can still see it. I don't think anyone from Labour would go that far.'


Chris Grayling was due to speak but due to an "incident" with a revolving door, didn't arrive at the press briefing.


Sir Gavin went on to propose replacing lorries with pogo sticks.




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First published 6 Jul 2022


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Williamson to be knighted for services to dipshittery




Arsehole formerly known as defence secretary and education secretary, Gavin Williamson, is to receive a knighthood, for his dedicated service to useless dipshits everywhere, it has emerged.


“When it comes to pure dipshittery, Gavin’s credentials are beyond reproach,” commented Sir Percival Humpreys from the Royal Society of Royalness.


“He was sacked by two Prime Ministers in two years. An impressive feat in itself, made all the more remarkable by the fact that the second Prime Minister is himself a useless melt, incapable of recognising his own birthday party taking place before his very own eyes.


“He does indeed bring a new level of barrel-scraping ineptitude to the honours system.”


A bewildered Williamson is quoted as having said, “as an aspiring dipshit, back studying for A-level results that I forgot I took, I couldn’t of dreamed of receiving such an accolade for being this ball-achingly shite at everything.


“I would like to thank all of countless students whose futures I’ve f*cked up, but I’m sure they will totally understand that my staggering incompetence was just a stepping stone for me to get to this point at their expense. Classic dipshitting.


When asked for comment from the Palace, there are unconfirmed reports that the Queen said, “get that dipshit, Andrew to do it.”


Author: fward




First published 5 Mar 2022


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Epstein List and British Honours List to merge

The Soviets described it as Kompromat, but most just call it Prince Andrew. This is the use of sexual blackmail to control the rich and powerful or to get Peter Mandelson his own Netflix special. It is now such a sign of prestige to be caught between two Ukranian rent boys, that anyone not on the Epstein List is just not trying hard enough.


Some politicians need to be tricked into a honey trap, whereas someone like Bill Clinton has his own CIA sponsored OnlyFans site. Cynics refer to the UK'S OBE as the Order of Bibi & Epstein. Suggesting that the Venn Diagram of politicians with a sex tape and who are supporting genocide is now a perfect circle.


Epstein's list matches Hansard and is longer than the phone book. Said one S7 leader: 'No one knows how many are compromised, but I can guarantee we all f$$k like Gods!'


image from pixabay


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