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Prince Philip admits he may not live to offend everyone

still honing 'classic one-liner' on geriatric Royals‘You’ve got the hearing-impaired, the partially sighted, same-sex this, transgender that… It’s impossible to keep up, but one does one’s best.’

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iPhone user has ‘out-of-phone experience’ in-between operating systems

upgrade includes new app which occasionally switches the bloody phone off‘Normally I just stare at a wall from two-inches away with a blank expression in-between operating systems, but this time something different happened’

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Utility boss threatens ‘eternal darkness’ if energy prices frozen

historical data shows hell still warming nicely‘People who have stockpiled air in li-los, bicycle tyres, party balloons and inflatable women are acting irresponsibly.’

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Historians hail Grand Theft Otto as first video game

hailed by critics as 'a massive ego trip' from start to finish‘Players take on the role of the Prussian Chancellor, Count Otto Von Bismarck, and try to reunify Germany without catching syphilis.

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One in ten fire-fighters ‘not fit enough’ to be novelty strippers

...there's always some sexy paperwork to be done back at the stationA nationwide fitness standard is to be introduced, which will include ‘weight training’, ‘whipped cream guzzling’ and ‘gyrating’ for an hour to ‘It’s Raining Men’.

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