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Putin first world leader to send message of congratulations to Will Smith



Despite having other fish frying, Russian despot Vladimir Putin, has been quick off the mark and becomes the first world leader to congratulate Will Smith, after the Men In Black star sensationally decked presenter Chris Rock live on stage at the Oscars ceremony.


A Kremlin spokesman said: 'This is pure gold for Mr Putin. It has shown the world there is an even bigger twonk than he is. With such an ill-judged action in the full glare of the world's media, this mudak, Smith, makes Mr Putin look like a tactical genius. Now we have a golden chance to brush our own monumental military cock-ups and war crimes under the carpet, as this utterly pointless Oscars story is going to run and run for weeks. Trust me, comrade.'


Meanwhile experts are divided over the unprecedented event. One high profile box-office hot ticket star attending the Vanity Fair after-party said: 'It was quite a moment wasn't it? Speaking for myself, though, I can honestly say had I been there I don't know which of them I'd have decked first. Irrespective of any jokes or slurs.'




First published 28 Mar 2022


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Snow to be banned, due to Russia connection




The Foreign Office explained: 'Technically snow has been around a little bit longer than Russia, but we needed a strong optic, to show the Ukraine we care - but not too much.


'Henceforth all snow will be banned from the UK and is to be replaced with grated coconut. All snowmen will be shot as spies. Ironically the chief exporter of coconut is based in Moscow, but its the performative gesture that counts'.




First published 27 Mar 2022


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Flambéed town hall needs pinch of tarragon, says critic



Angry French protestors have taken to the streets of Bordeaux after the government imposed a rather indifferent pot-au-feu that may have been over seasoned. Cars were set alight and buildings ransacked as furious pensioners demanded a simple but rather delicious confit de canard.


A spokesperson said: ‘Macron is forcing Pinot Noir down our throats, and it tastes a bit corked. We've had an œuf.' The French government is asking people to emulate British protestors by staying at home and watching episodes of Isle d'amour instead.


An angry British tourist whose holiday was disrupted by the protests said: ‘I am absolutely incandescent with rage. Why isn’t somebody else doing something about it?’





First published 26 Mar 2023


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