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World’s largest gunrunner oddly concerned that we might not buy their guns



By a strange coincidence, suggested cutbacks to NATO spending have prompted a shrill response from the military–industrial complex. US diplomats are so aghast at reduced defence budgets, that the collective tightening of their sphincter muscles was mistaken for a Lockheed YF-12 taking off from an anus.


In response, the US Ambassador immediately flew to Brussels with free copies of ‘Gun’n’Ammo Monthly’ and a 2-for-1 voucher on nuclear deterrents. A Pentagon spokesman confirmed: ‘In this era of terrorism, it’s important that we are armed with the most high-tech weapons. God knows, the terrorists are. Mainly because we sold it to them.’


With an annual defence spend of over $1 trillion, the US might easily be accused of having a vested interest in the pursuit of war. However, one diplomat explained: ‘Liking guns doesn’t mean you like war. If you like porn, do you like sex? Bad example. Well, what about restaurants and food? Still no good? Hey, I like sport, but I don’t like the NFL. Whadaya mean American football isn’t a sport?!?’



First published 13 May 2022


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Pavlov Undogged



Ever since Pavlov's dog experiments discovered conditioned reflexes, educationalists and animal trainers have wondered how to speed up learning. Now a ground-breaking experiment is underway to see how quickly something can be unlearnt.


Albert Einstein (no relation) had an Archimedes moment when his kitchen pedal bin broke. 'I didn't run down the road naked,' he admitted, 'but I did think this could make for an intriguing experiment. Now, when I stand on the pedal, nothing happens until I bend and use the handy tab I've taped to the lid. The big question is, how long before I stop standing on that useless pedal, waiting for the lid to lift?'


'My wife is doing the same so another question is which of us will unlearn first. I expect to win, but if she gets there first I'll just say it's because she uses the bin more than I do.'



First published 12 May 2022


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Next Pirelli Calendar to be based on Mayan Calendar


The iconic racing calendar will feature erotic pictures of Aztec Priests and topless photographs of the human sacrifices they beheaded. Car fanatics were said to be excited about this retro-AD 250 look; which pre-dates the Ford Triumph by at least seven years.


A graphics editor said: 'We can't predict the end of the world but next month will definitely be tits'.



Image from Pixabay by Pexels



First published 11 May 2022


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