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Racially Diverse Friend Group Files Restraining Order Against College Photographer



It was an average morning for a group of multicultural college students, who were enjoying the June sunshine on their leafy campus. 'It was all so normal,' Sanjay tells us. 'Hua, Kwame, Diego, Amelia (she's gay,) and I were preparing for our upcoming exams when we heard rustling from the bushes.'


They were greeted with the cold, invasive eye of a long-lens camera.


The college photographer, 46-year-old Oliver Brown, has been tasked with designing glossy brochures for the university for ten years. Since then, he has been striving to represent the full range of brilliant students who have walked the hallowed halls. 'It isn't always easy,' he tells us. 'Most of the people here are white, cis, able-bodied and straight. I usually end up having to photoshop minorities into the background. That's why Sanjay's group were so irresistible. It's the kind of diversity we collage together from stock images and slap on the front page.'


All Oliver wanted was one picture of the gang huddled around a Bunsen-burner or poring over books together in the library, but the colourful clique refused.


'It's tokenism, plain and simple,' Hua said. 'The moment we saw him coming we scattered; Kwame discarded his wheelchair, Amelia started kissing Sanjay and Diego tore off his Yarmulke. We weren't going to let him exploit our differences to make up for the racist flaws in this institution.'


After another belligerent attempt from Brown to photograph them returning from an intersectional feminist book-club, the gang decided to press charges against the shutterbug.


Sanjay shouted 'See you next Tuesday... in court.'




First published 6 Jun 2023


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Charles saves planet by turning down corgi sauna 1.5 °C



Now that corgis no longer reside at the Palace, it has been thoughtfully recognised that the requirement to keep their pampering suite nice and toasty may have diminished. Although most of the world is somewhat relieved that King Charles has single-handedly saved the planet, British subjects have been left with an odd feeling.


'Huh. Buckingham Palace has a swimming pool,' said Barbara Brown from Swindon. 'It never crossed my mind all of these years. I've always thought of them as a "flat on their bellies lapping out of the Serpentine" sort of family.'


'It didn't occur to me, either, mused Marvin Welles from Bath. 'I mean, it wasn't that I thought chlorine might cause harm to lizards, it's just that I never thought of Her Majesty doing lengths. Or Charles bombing. Something about them always suggested they wouldn't float too well. I also hadn't considered Buck Pal-on-the-Mall having a gym; it's more an indoor archery longroom sort of place. Maybe a heads of state trophy room. But what would they have done with the bodies? A torsos of state skittle alley?'


Fiona Williams from Wrexham added, 'In my mind, it's lavish room after lavish room of glorious ancestral portraits, and national treasures "voluntarily" gifted from former countries of the Empire. There just wouldn't be the space, even for a paddling pool. Especially after the Nicholas Witchell (Sex) Dungeon of Torture was installed.


Mary Andrews from Falkirk offered, 'I can imagine a royal swimming pool filled with liquid gold. That would need some heating. King Charles might've realised that could be turned down a degree or two.'


H/T Lockjaw



First published 5 Jun 2023


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Six phrases just as annoying as 'Platty Joobs'



Platty Joobs has rapidly emerged this week as a contender for the most annoying and ridiculous phrase ever, the shortening of words saving no time and immediately rendering the utterer as a complete tool. But what other phrases are totes annoying? Here at NewsBiscuit we have done the heavy lifting for you and curated some of the best for you.


Holibobs


Are you a toddler who has you just learnt to speak and who is still struggling to control your bladder function as well as working out how different words are pieced together? No. Then you have no reason to use this descriptor of a weekend away or a fortnight in the sun. See also 'Chrimbo' and ‘x sleeps till our holiday’.


Brewski


Used by Americans to try and sex up the description of a piss-weak lager like Coors Light, using this in any context outside of a Harvard frat-party is unforgivable. Period.


This


A deliberately provocative, flagrant contravention of the ‘every sentence must have a verb in it’ rule we were taught at school. This use of a single word alongside a retweet or share of someone else’s point accentuates just how importantly you feel about what they’ve said whilst simultaneously signalling your laziness to write anything else. Literally, this.


Life hack


Designed to make the reader think something is transformative, in reality these invariably describe the most mundane adaptations to regular activities, like scraping one extra piece of pasta that’s stuck on the side of a pan or lengthening your stride by 1cm to save yourself 10 seconds on your walk to work.


My Bad


Your bad what? Your bad attempt at shortening the phrase ‘I’m sorry for my mistaken attempt to bastardise the English language’. Dude, no worries, YOLO.


I’m screaming - yes, we all are too, mate. Like an Edvard Munch painting.





First published 4 Jun 2022


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