Mojtaba Khamenei - Starmer's biggest fan

The Supreme Leader of Iran, Mojtaba Khamenei, is - surprisingly - a devout fan of the British Prime Minister, Keir Starmer.

'Your leader shows us the way,' said an IRGC insider. 'He shows, through his landslide victory, that he is tremendously popular with the people, while at the same time protecting his elites and providing great benefits for his favoured insiders, like Peter Mandelson. He shows that you don't need any kind of profile and policies in order to lead. He shows that you can ignore the press and all its nonsense. He shows that you can be fierce with your enemies like Angela Rayner and Jess Philips and Wesley Streeting.'

'Our great leader also fears for his life because of the Yankees. Our leader must also try to rally a country battered and bruised, and with citizens who are cowed and unsure and unnecessarily worried about their human rights, and their democracy. Our leader must also try to keep crude oil pumping. Our leader must also try to rally and army and a navy that has been decimated and needs rebuilding. Our leader must also control the media messaging with an iron fist.

'Our leader, though, is less bothered about having other people to pay for his clothes. That's just humiliating.

'The parallels between our countries are extremely strong, although we are still not very keen on Salman Rushdie. Unlike Starmer, we don't enjoy magical realism.'

Interpol searching for Nigel Farage

The Metropolitan Police has thrown its collective arms up in despair after searching fruitlessly for weeks for the not-usually-publicity-shy Reform leader. 'We tried the House of Commons but drew a blank, we even contacted Clacton police station but they just laughed and hung up on us,' said a spokesman.

The BBC Question Time team has been approached for clues, but they're as puzzled as everyone else. Even Laura Kuenssberg hasn't seen him and is pining.

'We've asked Interpol to assist, but we're not holding our breath. Their liaison asked if we'd checked the South Coast for dinghies that could be transporting him. We don't think they're taking it very seriously, either,' the spokesman said.

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Government to open 1100 new hospital wards

Every hospital will site a new ward on unused roof space or in a car park. The 'outdoor ward' initiative will give patients the benefit of natural sunlight and fresh air.

'Outdoor wards are tremendous value for money,' said a junior minister with his fingers crossed behind his back. 'Much cheaper than one of Boris's imaginary new hospitals. We can offer extra beds really quickly - perfect for all the pissheads who injure themselves after a skinful. Normally, they'd take their chances sleeping it off in a park or a cemetery. Now they can sleep it off in an outdoor ward.'

The government has confirmed that the initiative will be paid for out of existing budgets. Hospitals confirmed 'business as usual then'.

The minister pointed at a car park. 'There's one.' then pointed at a neighbouring field, 'There's another one!'

Image: Newsbiscuit Archive