The Prince of Darkness (meaning Satan, just to be clear) is packing his bags for a short vacation. It’s hot, dirty, dangerous work in the seven circles of Hell, and Satan is very pleased to be finally taking a break.
‘It's hard to get away,’ said Satan, weighing up whether to take a book by David Walliams or Russell Brand. ‘I do like to be on hand for natural disasters, new wars, Zionism/racism incidents, and so forth. I’m always keen to strike while the iron is hot. And round here, it’s always hot.’
‘I haven’t decided where to go yet,’ he added. ‘Middlesborough sounds very promising – up and coming, I’m told. I don’t want to do the Middle East again, I’ve been there a lot recently. I almost booked a working holiday in Texas, rounding up immigrants with ICE, but they'll only take US citizens. And France is very tempting as the protesters are setting a lot of fires, so I’d be in familiar surroundings.
‘Anyway,’ Satan continued, folding pairs of asbestos underpants, ‘I’m very grateful to Donald Trump. He’s agreed to step in and mind the shop while I’m away. He’s been my apprentice before and he's good at it. He knows how to torment people. And he knows how to string people along, making promises he’ll never keep, and reneging on deals when it suits him. Maybe a bit too good. Everyone's always pleased to see me when I get back.
‘Donald has lots of friends in the underworld that he's keen to catch up with, and he’s looking for a 28-bed molten lava pit near a nice golf course in the first circle. He does still think that he can get into heaven by slipping St. Peter a massive bung. Bless. I chatted St. Peter about that, and he nearly laughed his wings off, saying ‘Trump could get into FIFA heaven, possibly, but not the real deal’.’
