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Andy Burnham resigned in 2017 as MP for Leigh, a constituency of 77,000, in order to be elected as Mayor of Manchester.  His reasons were a) that he hated being an opposition MP where he couldn’t do anything b) I’m bigger than this, and c) the constituency was going to be abolished, which it duly was, in 2024.  Good call, Andy.



Andy was elected Mayor of Manchester in 2017, and re-elected in 2021, and elected for a third time in May 2024, shortly before the General Election that year.  He said that he could ‘get more done’ as a mayor than he could as an MP in Westminster, and that representing 2.1m people was loads better than representing a measly 77,000.



An insider told us, ‘Yeah, Andy didn’t reckon Keir had a chance at the General Election – all that guff about change, but no actual policies - so the mayor’s job was a safe haven.  He knew the patch, most people liked him and didn’t hassle him, and the money was good.  And it was fun to snipe at Keir and the PLP.’


Fast-forward to January 2026, and Andy seems to have decided that he could get more done as a Westminster MP than he could as Mayor of Manchester.  Insiders say that he’s become very tired of negotiating the fault lines between supporters of City and United, and that his inbox was overloaded given the size of his constituency.  Also, being a mayor is a dead end job – not much chance of promotion.  And after eight and a half years he’s done all he’s going to do.


Andy is pitching to be MP for Gorton and Denton because a) that he hated being in a job where he could do anything b) I’m bigger than this, and c) the constituency is a very safe Labour seat with a majority of over 13,000.  Good call, Andy.


An insider told us, ‘Yeah, Andy didn’t reckon Keir had a chance at staying on as PM – all that guff about difficult decisions, all those U-turns, all that embarrassing arse licking with Trump.  Andy’s heart wasn’t really in the mayor’s job any more – no prospects at all.  So, he wants to go back to Westminister, representing 74,000 people this time, because he knows the patch, most people liked him and didn’t hassle him, and the money is good.  Especially if you can get a ministerial post.  And there’s the expenses.  And the second homes.  And so on.  And it’ll still be fun to snipe at Keir and the PLP, and wind everyone up about a leadership election.  Happy days.’


Postscript: Seems like the PLP didn’t get the memo. Never mind Andy. Maybe representing 2.1 million Mancunians is better after all? No point in wasting a safe seat on you. You can show your mettle in 2029 by winning a really difficult seat.  Maybe Clacton?




Following the gunning-down of Alex Pretti, an ICU nurse, in Minneapolis ICE has expressed ‘deep regret’ that he was ‘only’ a nurse.


‘Obviously we want to kill really nice people’, a spokesman said. ‘If we just kill criminals or, I dunno, blacks, it won’t have the same shock value. We really want to see some paediatric oncologists protesting, or maybe a Catholic nun? A nun might do it’.


In the hierarchy of ‘audience members stand-up comedians are most wary of’, paediatric oncologists are number 1 – which also makes them ICE’s #1 target.


‘The Fuhrer, sorry, President can’t invoke the Insurrection Act on a whim’, the ICE spokesman said with a chuckle. ‘Okay, he can – but it would be a lot better if there were some riots first. Hey, do you think we could get some clowns? Like, big shoes, red noses, custard pies? If we gunned them down in the street - that should work, shouldn’t it?’




French armed forces, aided by the Royal Navy, have captured the snake oil tanker Board of Peace while it was sinking in the mid-Atlantic.


"The Board of Peace had been sailing under a false flag," explained Jacques Croissant, captain of the frigate Grenouille

"It had been registered by the US president as an organisation to rebuild Gaza but was secretly designed to replace the United Nations.


"Monsieur Trump had managed to sign up the leaders of the world's most vile dictatorships, like Russia and Belarus. They didn't give a damn about Gaza, but clearly hated the UN just as much as Trump does and wanted it gone. The Board of Peace started to founder when other nations saw through the plot."


"I would have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for you pesky Frogs," snarled the demented skipper of the Board of Peace, Donald Trump.


"And if you weren't such a bunch of snowflake liberals, you'd hang him from the yard arm," squawked a parrot on Trump's shoulder called JD Vance.


It is thought the SS Board of Peace had been returning to its home port of Mar-a-Lago from Davos, where Captain Trump had just delivered a speech to the World Economic Forum containing 50,000 tons of high-octane snake oil and bilge.




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