After a weekend of amazing achievements that have brought the whole of the UK together, David Cameron has come out and praised all the athletes, their coaches, Team GB, and George Osborne for the part they have played in this sporting success.
‘There were a lot of cynics telling us budget cuts would ruin this country’ a gloating PM told anyone that would listen. ‘But Jessica Ennis, Mo Farah, and the Ginger lad all had significant cuts to their funding, and look what it did for them. Peter Wilson hasn’t received a penny for years and he shot his way straight to Gold with private funding from an Arab prince, a similar model to that used for NHS reforms. I think it is fair to say austerity has been the biggest winner of London 2012.’
It is now likely the theory of ‘spending less gets results’ will be rolled out across all government departments. Jobseeker’s Allowance is thought to be the first thing to see significant change. ‘If we pay nothing to those looking for work, then just as Andy Murray was inspired to Olympic victory, they will be inspired to get a job’ an over-excited chancellor told us. ‘More spending cuts will be announced next week, but to show we have learnt more than one lesson from these games, they will be announced on ‘Spending Cuts Saturday’ and come into effect on ‘Miserable Monday’.’
In a retaliatory statement, Ed balls has said it is unfair for the coalition to take all the credit. ‘I was in the treasury when we built up the budget deficit and national debt so you should be thanking me for Team GB’s success’ the shadow chancellor told us. ‘The Labour government has also had influenced our cyclists in the team pursuit at the Velodrome. Does going round in circles, everyone wanting to be the leader, and a lot of helmets sound familiar? And if Chris Hoy hadn't come to Gordon Brown’s private parties, they wouldn’t have started wearing lycra.’