Thousands of 'chronically' lonely people have suddenly found themselves making last-minute social plans this weekend, after Conservative politician Jeremy Hunt issued a nationwide threat that he may, in the near future, attempt to 'keep them company'.
Stating that loneliness is the root cause of depression and now a 'national shame', Hunt has claimed that 'good company', preferably from himself, is the 'only real remedy' for the mate-less. 'If you've had a busy week in work, and all you have to come home to is a microwave toad-in-the-hole and an episode of Peak Practice on UK Gold, then it's likely that you suffer from a bad case of "loneliness", claimed Hunt today. 'But just imagine arriving home and finding me on your couch with a pepperoni pizza, some Dr Pepper and a Jenga set? Say goodbye to loneliness and lets start making some memories'.
'I suppose I'll be a little like Father Christmas' -added Hunt - 'only I'll be moving from house-to-house with a sack full of great company and some gift-wrapped laughs and smiles'. When asked about how he was able to locate every lonely person in the country, Hunt said: 'That's easy; the kind people at O2, Vodafone and T-Mobile have supplied me with the their most "least active" phone accounts on their records. Simple'.
Jenny Gardener, a serial loner from Newcastle-Under-Lyme, said: 'I haven't attended a social event for roughly twelve-years now. I don't even get invited to the office Christmas do. But I've had a text message from Jeremy who said he's "popping round" to sit next to me whilst I watch X-Factor on Saturday. It's very kind of him, but I've just remembered I'm going to a wedding ceremony in the afternoon, then evening drinks with all my office mates, then we're off to, erm, Alton Towers, so I won't be in on Saturday. I definitely will not be available on Saturday'.