Law states people cannot be insulted if insult followed by smiley emoji

It is now illegal to take insult at anything which someone writes as long as it is immediately followed by a smiley face emoji.

The law has been introduced to allow individuals the freedom to be explicitly rude or nasty without the added drawback of someone taking insult.

Mike has been an online troll for years and has recently started sending unpleasant work emails too: 'I love it, it makes me feel so big and powerful. But it's always such a pain when there are repercussions, it's not like the good old days where you could slag people off no end and you were held up as a hero. The woke brigade are on my back all the time, even for a bit of light hearted racism or sexism. But since the introduction of the Smiley Law it's been a doddle. I sent Susan from finance an email this morning saying 'shove it up your arse you pathetic witch ☺️' but because I included the smiley emoji there is nothing she can do about it. It's clearly meant in a nice way'.

Mike's employer have said they plan to text him later to tell him he's sacked followed by a laughing emoji to ensure he finds it hilariously funny.

Man told to return to work despite losing ability to iron his own shirt

An angry office worker has been left speechless after his manager told him to return to work despite not being able to iron a shirt.

“They told me to go back in this morning after only giving me a weeks notice. I haven’t ironed a shirt, knotted a company tie or had a shave for that matter in ten weeks and they’re not providing any training or support. It’s appalling," fumed Ian Duncan, 35.

"I picked up the iron last night. It’s one of those fancy-dan anti-scale, anti-drip, multi-function jobs, but I couldn’t find the stubborn creases setting on the dial. Then I completely forgot how to iron. It’s a highly stressful situation. I mean, where do you start? Sleeves? Collar? Front or back?

I completely lost it to be honest. I’m going to put the iron on its 'temperature of molten lava' setting, burn an iron shaped hole in the company shirt and send it to Malcolm. After that me and Sandra will take off for sunny Frinton.”

Tories arrange spy swap – Bercow for Starmer

In a tense standoff at a Berlin bridge, John Bercow was finally brought in from the cold and allowed to join the natural home of reactionaries – the Parliamentary Labour Party. In exchange, agent Keir ‘Starmer’ Keithlovich was returned to the Conservative Party, having completed his mission to destroy left wing politics.

The swap itself had many similarities to John le Carré fictionalized book ‘Stinker Starmer Dozy Spy’. Both men had been sleeper agents, with Bercow hiding his intentions for years and Starmer just sleeping through the last two.

Explained one of Starmer’s handlers: ‘Obviously we needed to make it a fair swap, after all Keithlovich was Leader of the Opposition. So, they got Bercow and we an extra one hundred million Rubles and our promise not to let Starmer near any of their by-elections again.’

A friend of Bercow said: ‘John will have to adjust from having lived in an oppressive Tory regime. Gone will be the enforced junkets, banquets and bribes. Instead. he’ll get to enjoy the true taste of left wing freedom, which is angry Twitter accounts, regional accents and people accusing you of being a Tory, with no sense of irony’.