Probe into false Amazon reviews, given six stars

Regulators have been analysing reviews on Amazon to determine whether the internet giant is allowing false product claims to exist on its website or is just avoiding paying any tax. ‘We found that Amazon did a fair job – five stars,’ said one (verified) investigator. ‘Too good to be true – five stars and thanks for the bonus’ said another.

The EU has been checking into the financial affairs of Amazon for some time. ‘Cheeky, unorthodox, great Tesla btw,’ was the final report headline.

Government credibility found in Bus Shelter

A member of the public has found the government’s remaining small shred of credibility in a bus shelter in Kent.

‘I almost didn’t see it, but somehow it caught my eye,’ Joyce Robinson said. ‘It was a small, unpleasant looking thing on the seat, so my first instinct was to brush it off. Something made me take a closer look though.’

After taking it home and looking at it under a microscope, Mrs Robinson realised what she had found.

A government spokesperson confirmed that the credibility had been reported as missing shortly after the government was formed.

‘I am just glad it was found,’ they said. ‘I mean it could easily have been missed as it is so small, y’know after it has suffered so much – the post-Brexit Northern Ireland situation, the way contracts have been awarded, the ignoring of Priti Patel’s bullying, not shutting the border to India early enough.’

‘The the Cummings/Barnard Castle fiasco, the ‘totally f-ing useless’ text, Boris boasting of having shaken hands with Covid patients and then going into intensive care with the virus, the way care homes have been treated in the pandemic, not taking any steps to ease the broader social care problems, Jennifer Arcuri – and now, the final straw, Hancock being caught snogging his mistress.’

‘

Anyway, I’m just glad we’ve got it back. It is now perfectly safe here on my desk. Wait a minute, where’s it gone? It’s completely disappeared! Oh god, what has one of the clowns done now?’

Prostitutes dismayed at missing out on honours list again

The hardest working sector of trade and industry has once again been overlooked in the Queen's honours list. Representatives of horizontal dance groups and other angles have expressed bitter dismay at once again not being considered for even an entry level MBE.

Strictly Dominatrix from Slough said, "During the last couple of years, we have been the hardest hit. I mean, our industry has had no support, and it's not like furlough has been laid on a table in front of us. We are front line essential key workers like any others, but we were offered no personal protection equipment, and not even a bump up the jab list."

"Our members have been risking it all out there on the streets, but we haven't had one peep of recognition for what we do. We had high hopes that our hardest working girl, Pumpy Breasticles, was going to be honoured for services to services, but she has been let down again."

"Our assets have been stripped bare, and we're clinging on tightly like our lives depend on it. That's despite the fact some of our girls and boys are better connected than Newmarket pub landlords. Phillippa Phuckingham-Phallus regularly tends to the needs of royalty, and Stiffy McWhip has had half of the Government Cabinet. Sometimes in actual cabinets. But absolutely nothing for any of us. It's a real slap in the face."