Williamson insists topless picture of Queen must remain

Oxford University students have courted controversy by removing a collection of saucy snaps of our beloved Queen. With her head appearing on so many notes, there is a vast number of unused images of her bottom half in circulation, all literally topless. These particular photos are said to be of Elizabeth trooping the colours in nothing but a bearskin.

Members of Magdalen College decided keeping a photo of someone who is not your nan is a little bit creepy. Said one: 'We just used it for darts practice'.

Out of respect, Mr Williamson, himself, insists on keeping his eyes shut when licking the Queen's behind on a stamp. He also refuses to keep any coins depicting the monarch in his pocket, next to his pre-pubescent testes.

The education secretary said all images of the monarchy were beyond reproach, including Harry dressed as a Nazi, Andrew comforting teenage girls, and It's a Royal Knockout. His aide explained: 'Mr. Williamson keeps a laminated picture of the Queen above his bed. It's both reassuring and arousing. I'm sure she has one of him'.

Hancock given 'Super Special important job' of announcing who can get jab next

Matt Hancock has been left 'super-duper excited' after being given the very important job of saying who can get jabbed next.

A source has said: 'Matty is certainly a happy chappy - he's been so out of his depth up until now, but remembering a two-digit number and saying it out loud is just about at his ability level. He loves making the 'big announcement'. He was jumping up and down on Boris and Carrie's bed yesterday morning, asking, 'can I say the next age group today, pwease, pwease, pwease?'

It is rumoured that Hancock is in the line up for lots of other "very important jobs" including checking the stationery cupboard is fully stocked, polishing the gold walls of Number Ten using nothing but a cotton bud and listing out the next health and social care policies in bubble writing.

Internet turned off and then on again

More later