Isle of Wight closes airspace to Belarus

Following the banning of Belarusian aircraft by the European Union, the Isle of Wight has become the first area in the UK to align with the EU Bloc.

At County Hall in Newport, the department of transportation was unequivocal in its remarks against the country and its recent actions. "We agree with the EU's decision to suspend Belavia from their airspace. As of midnight, we have refused flight corridors across the Isle of Wight to any Belarusian-registered aircraft. We have the Isle of Wight Navy on standby at Cowes and our anti-aircraft defence shield in operation at Shanklin. Well, when I say navy I mean the sea scouts in their dinghies sailing round the harbour. And our defence shield is just big John standing on the beach with a bucket of rocks, but he can throw them really far! Like past the sandbank! It's impressive, honestly!"

In Minsk, news of the ban has not been taken lightly. "We see this move by the Isle of Wight as unacceptable," said a spokesperson for President Lukashenko. "As such, we have imposed sanctions by banning the sale of Isle of Wight Garlic or gifts from the Needles Sand Shop into the country. We shall not be blocked from our aircraft going…oh, it's only 22 miles across? That's ok, we'll just go around it."

Hancock stands by decision to award contract to his hamster

Matt Hancock has rejected claims that awarding Fluffy the hamster an NHS contract was in any way bias as Fluffy is 'fully qualified' with 'a wealth of experience'.

Fluffy has been a valued member of the Hancock household for almost a year and in that time has left Mr Hancock in no doubt he is the right individual for the job: 'Fluffy is brilliant at keeping his trap shut, unlike other weasely rodents like Dominic Cummings, so he'll be very well received amongst senior members of the conservative party.

Fluffy is also an expert at his wheel, often going round in circles for months on end but making no progress - making him ideal for running an NHS contract.'

Mr Hancock further eradicated any hint of corruption by confirming that he wasn't even aware Fluffy was being considered for the contract: 'Fluffy orchestrated the whole thing without my knowledge, it was nothing to do with me - he must have used my phone and email, and posed as me at a meeting or two, the clever little chap. It's neither here nor there that my agreement with Fluffy is that I get 100% of profit from any contracts he wins.'

It has been reported that current contract tenders include submissions from the spider under Matt Hancock's sink, a snail at the bottom of Matt Hancock's garden, and Matt Hancock's toilet brush.

Letting wine breathe is bollocks, confirms expert

The concept that leaving the cork out of a bottle of wine before imbibing is 'bollocks', according to a wine expert. Fred Engles, of no fixed abode, has been drinking wine for years, sometimes from a glass. 'Never left a bottle to breathe,' he said today, noting that wine doesn't have lungs, a mouth or any need for oxygen at all. 'It doesn't have a cardiovascular system, a bit like me,' he said. 'If I left a bottle to breathe, them bastards from the viaduct will have it away anyway,' he insisted.

'Now this is a cheeky little chardonnay, or perhaps paraffin extract - you can't really tell with Australian imports,' said Fred, swilling the bottle around. 'Best served with Brie. Or anything actually. Whatever is in the bin.'