Woman ridden with guilt over looking for new laptops on her current laptop

Chloe Plant, 28, from Shrewsbury has been wracked with guilt after deciding that she needs a new laptop. "My current laptop is getting a little slow, and the poor thing struggles a bit sometimes. But it's my life. My everything, really. I do all of my work on it, so it's my source of income, and there are few things I do outside of work where I don't use it. It's rarely off my lap when I'm on the sofa, and during the winter months it even keeps my foofoo warm."

"Six years it's been in my life, and we've done everything together. I suppose... yes... I love it. I am in love with it. But I know we can't be together forever, and when it came to looking for a new one, I just couldn't bring myself to, well, you know, use old trusty, faithful Lappy to search for his replacement. I had to borrow my housemate's. No problem using her disgusting pink one - no one could feel anything for a showpony like that. But if I'd used Lappy, I would have felt so disloyal. So treacherous. So dirty. Oh, I can't even think about it - please give me a moment..."

"...I feel like he would have known. It would have broken his heart. Lappy won't leave my life, though. I'm not going to trade him in or throw him away or anything. He'll have a special place in my red plastic crate of electronic stuff under my bed.

Ninjas to be trained in stealth by parcel delivery guys

A troop of British parcel delivery men has been sent to Japan to train their ninjas in the art of approaching buildings without being detected. Japan’s ninjas are renowned for their stealth and their silent killing techniques. However, in a test set up by the Ministry of Defence, parcel delivery guys performed better than Japanese ninjas, the British SAS and American Delta Force in a task of silently approaching a building and inserting a card through the door.

‘There are many scenarios where special forces operatives have to approach a building without being spotted’, said one expert. ‘Surveillance, planting explosives, silent entry, hostage rescue – it’s one of the trickiest roles they have to carry out.

‘We asked instructors to stay home all day and listen out for anybody in their garden. Several of the homes had yappy dogs. Thirty percent of them had alarm systems. They all had doorbells.

‘To our surprise, the parcel delivery guys were able to put a card through every door without being heard or seen. They didn’t even show up on CCTV or infra red cameras. Their camouflage and panther-crawling techniques are awesome. They only marred their performance at the end of each sortie by throwing fragile objects over the gate. Apparently, in their culture this is a great achievement’.

Nobody knows why the men don’t just deliver the fecking parcels, which would, presumably, take less effort.

Darren Watson, a 30 year old project manager, has been working from home all week in the hope of receiving some flatpack furniture. He has given up on his original plan, and now hopes to eventually have enough ‘Sorry I Missed You’ cards to be able to craft a dining table. We found him rocking back and forth, sobbing, in a chair outside his front door.

‘They’ve done it again!’ he told reporters. ‘I’m actually outside the house, with binoculars, and somehow there’s another card on the mat. I’m beginning to think the guy’s living in the walls of the house. Is that possible?’

STOP PRESS: The Japanese Government has complained that the training team it has paid for did not turn up, although it has received a card through the door . . .

Man thrown out of internet forum for 'knowing stuff'

Alan James, 43, has found himself vilified and excluded from internet forums for 'knowing stuff'. 'It started when I saw a question posted on a thermodynamics forum,' said Alan, a thermodynamics engineer working for Rolls Royce. 'The question was a bit technical but otherwise straightforward so I answered it in reasonable lay terms. Follow up clarification questions I expected - but full on verbal abuse wasn't in my mind when I pushed the send button.'

Clara1998 explained the problem. 'I knew there was an issue with him - for starters, who uses a real name? Weirdo. Then the tell tale preamble - if it doesn't start with "I dunno nuffink 'bout thermodynamics but..." tells you straight off you have an arse on the forum. No one wants facts when opinions are so much more interesting.'

Alan feels he has been treated unfairly. 'OK, the differential equations probably aren't to everyone's taste, but my explanation about the ignitability of a wet fart are probably as good as you'd get anywhere, but it appears they just wanted to know if it's best to pull the undercrackers to the left or the right before setting fire to the fart. FFS, nobody mentioned if the person was right or left handed, or if they were responsible for holding the lighter.'

Alan has promised to toe the line going forward, and his latest challenge is explaining the reason why the universe will never dip below minus 273.15 degrees Centigrade using only Walkers crisps and a total lack of understanding of quantum mechanics. 'It's a bit difficult, but luckily I know nuffink about Walkers crisps,' he said today.