Smart money on 'by Wednesday' for how soon Boris will commit adultery

The wedding of the year expected to cause the most judders and dry retches has thankfully been held in secret. Did Carrie Symons really say 'I do'? To that? Really? Without being hypnotised? Or blackmailed? Or having a beloved member of her family held hostage? Really? Does she need help? Should someone at least check she is OK?

The ceremony was held in secret, partly to avoid embarrassment, but mostly to bypass that awkward moment when the question was asked, 'If anyone knows of any lawful impediment why these two should not be joined in matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace...'

66 million individuals who were hoping to speak up for once were bitterly disappointed they didn't get their opportunity.

The honeymoon will be a romantic road trip through the former Red Wall regions of Northern England, now owned by Conservative landlords. It will be a special and unique getaway with a fresh and on-trend name, called a Campaign Wedding Trail.

Due to a reluctance to count things properly, Downing Street are unable to confirm the number of weddings Boris has now had. Or offspring.

Telford man stops petrol pump ‘bang on twenty quid’ for record time

Steve Vickers, a hand-drier salesman from Telford, is congratulating himself after his streak of dispensing exactly £20 of fuel from a petrol pump ran into a 57th consecutive week. Vickers reached the new high at his local Shell garage, beating his previous best mark from 2008.

‘Did you see that?’ Vickers asked the assembled crowd of his wife and nine-year-old daughter, who were sat impassively inside the family Hyundai i20, next to pump 3. ‘Perfect pressure on the trigger throughout, followed by a textbook release. Stevo nails it again’, he continued, raising the hose and blowing on the end of the nozzle to mimic a Western gunslinger.

Vickers paused to denounce the ‘saddoes’ who keep a load of 1p and 2p coins in the cup tray next to the handbrake ‘in case they overshoot’ to the cashier and queuing customers. He then celebrated his success with 57p Mars Bar, which he purchased alongside his fuel on a credit card.

Lucifer Appointed as Head of OFCOM

After a long search and recruitment process, the Department of Culture, Media and Sport were pleased to announce yesterday that Lucifer, former Prince of Darkness, was approved as the new head of OFCOM.

"It's been a long journey, but we're pleased with the outcome." Said a spokesperson for the DCMS yesterday. "While both of our final candidates impressed with their commitment to pure evil and eradication of joy, the Morning Star stood out with his ideas for future innovation; while the other applicant we felt was too focussed on the issues affecting OFCOM being the EU and the influx of immigrants into the country."

The incoming chair was excited by the role and what he hoped to bring, remarking, 'I'm looking forward to beginning my tenure at the head of the UK's communication industry. I'd like to thank the many Conservative MPs who I'm in league with, or who are paying back for selling their souls in 2019 for their supporting letters to the DCMS. I assure you that under my reign, we shall continue the roll-out of 5G and all its mind-controlling properties; as well as pressuring the BBC to keep making Mrs Brown's Boys.'