Updated: Jun 21, 2022
The wedding of the year expected to cause the most judders and dry retches has thankfully been held in secret. Did Carrie Symons really say 'I do'? To that? Really? Without being hypnotised? Or blackmailed? Or having a beloved member of her family held hostage? Really? Does she need help? Should someone at least check she is OK?
The ceremony was held in secret, partly to avoid embarrassment, but mostly to bypass that awkward moment when the question was asked, 'If anyone knows of any lawful impediment why these two should not be joined in matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace...'
66 million individuals who were hoping to speak up for once were bitterly disappointed they didn't get their opportunity.
The honeymoon will be a romantic road trip through the former Red Wall regions of Northern England, now owned by Conservative landlords. It will be a special and unique getaway with a fresh and on-trend name, called a Campaign Wedding Trail.
Due to a reluctance to count things properly, Downing Street are unable to confirm the number of weddings Boris has now had. Or offspring.