Updated: Jun 21, 2022
A troop of British parcel delivery men has been sent to Japan to train their ninjas in the art of approaching buildings without being detected. Japan’s ninjas are renowned for their stealth and their silent killing techniques. However, in a test set up by the Ministry of Defence, parcel delivery guys performed better than Japanese ninjas, the British SAS and American Delta Force in a task of silently approaching a building and inserting a card through the door.
‘There are many scenarios where special forces operatives have to approach a building without being spotted’, said one expert. ‘Surveillance, planting explosives, silent entry, hostage rescue – it’s one of the trickiest roles they have to carry out.
‘We asked instructors to stay home all day and listen out for anybody in their garden. Several of the homes had yappy dogs. Thirty percent of them had alarm systems. They all had doorbells.
‘To our surprise, the parcel delivery guys were able to put a card through every door without being heard or seen. They didn’t even show up on CCTV or infra red cameras. Their camouflage and panther-crawling techniques are awesome. They only marred their performance at the end of each sortie by throwing fragile objects over the gate. Apparently, in their culture this is a great achievement’.
Nobody knows why the men don’t just deliver the fecking parcels, which would, presumably, take less effort.
Darren Watson, a 30 year old project manager, has been working from home all week in the hope of receiving some flatpack furniture. He has given up on his original plan, and now hopes to eventually have enough ‘Sorry I Missed You’ cards to be able to craft a dining table. We found him rocking back and forth, sobbing, in a chair outside his front door.
‘They’ve done it again!’ he told reporters. ‘I’m actually outside the house, with binoculars, and somehow there’s another card on the mat. I’m beginning to think the guy’s living in the walls of the house. Is that possible?’
STOP PRESS: The Japanese Government has complained that the training team it has paid for did not turn up, although it has received a card through the door . . .