Giant iceberg to re-unite with Antarctica 'for one night only'

Following the highly publicised split between Antarctica and the Luxembourg-sized iceberg known as A-68, promoters have persuaded the famous duo to get back together for one last time for the sake of the fans.

'There are a lot of penguins still bereft at the big split' said promoter Harvey Goldsmith. 'Plus a lot of seals, walruses and that other big ugly sea mammal whose name escapes me. We have persuaded A-68 to turn around and rejoin his pal of three billion years for one great night of nostalgia.'

'It'll be just like old times' said Goldsmith. 'There have been some concerns expressed about possible cold weather, but we have hired thousands of patio heaters so we are expecting everything on the ice shelf to go swimmingly.'

Nation pities poor Boris stoically self-isolating on massive country estate

Boris Johnson, a suspected English politician, has found himself in the terrible position of suffering self-isolation on an immense, majestic country estate. Pity from a pitiful nation is widespread, everyone profoundly concerned about how he will cope in such dire circumstances.

A government spokestosser confirmed, 'Boris often goes to Chequers to avoid work he doesn't do anyway. His self-imposed, self-irreversible, self-isolation might look to some like he will be living it up on a luxury holiday in the middle of summer, but that is not the case at all. There is a much reduced skeleton staff of only 28 at his every beck and call at Chequers, so it will be a very hard time for him popping his socks off by the pool and sipping margaritas.

'Mr Johnson was in close contact with the Minister for Not Getting Covid. When Mr Javid inevitably tested positive, Boris immediately did the right thing of pretending it hadn't happened. Much later, when the ping of doom confirmation came through, the Prime Minister did not hesitate for one moment to ignore that as well. Several hours later, he took the instant decision of claiming to be on a long-standing special programme he had just made up, making him immune to isolation. The technical name for that in Downing Street is 'doing a Gove'. So it is undeniably the case that the universally loved and globally respected all-round good egg that is our glorious Prime Minister has acted quickly and decisively in exactly the right way.'

In a press conference tomorrow, Brits will be reassured that the Prime Minister is still perfectly capable of continuing to destroy their nation. Irreversibly.

UK takes the lead in Covid Olympics

Long before the athletics starts, the UK is already leading the medal table with eight self-isolations and a bronze medal in track and trace. Prior to the starting pistol going off, Britain has surged ahead with transmission surges.

During events, athletes will have to clear vaccine passport hurdles, sprint for vaccines and take a hop, skip and jump based on sketchy data. The Head of GB Athletics spoke of their pride: ‘We have golds in infection rates, corruption and Mo Farrah has a tickly cough’.

The Games will culminate in the Covid Relay, where British runners pass infected phlegm from one to another, over 100m and 400m. The closing ceremony, as hospitalizations peak, will be followed by the closing of the NHS.