Lucrative pizza ads beckon for England’s young lions after Wembley penalty woes

Even as a nation's tears flowed, following England's defeat in the final of the Euros at Wembley on Sunday, it turns out that it's not all bad news.

Because for penalty zeroes, Marcus Rashford, Jadon Sancho and Bukayo Saka it has signaled an opportunity for all three to land themselves a handsome consolation prize, appearing in lucrative TV ads for restaurant chain, Pizza Hut.

A spokesman for the company said: 'Well obviously watching the final was incredibly tense, particularly after the Italians missed their first spot kick, but luckily the lads reverted to type and made a total shambles of taking theirs, so in the end it was all hunky dory.'

It's understood that in addition to the three players, England Manager, Gareth Southgate, will play a cameo role in the ad campaign.

'This is amazing the way things have gone full circle,' said the boss. 'There I was thinking this tournament was going to lay my ghosts to rest, but now I get a second chance to ride the gravy train again. Isn't modern sport truly wonderful?'

In related news, it's been reported that brown paper bags have seen a sudden and colossal surge in demand.

Dinosaurs to make comeback tour

After an absence from public life of over 60 million years, Stegosaurus and Brontosaurus could be roaming the country again soon for a limited period.

Celebrity publicist Ed Masp, who claims he has represented many extinct species in the past, promises the comeback will be spectacular, including such acts as ripping trees up by the roots and squashing a Ford Mondeo with a tap of the foot.

However, there are already serious health and safety concerns about letting gigantic reptiles run amok for entertainment purposes. Jeremy Pardloe of the Dinosaur Vigilance Society explains: "We are strongly urging insurance companies to refuse to cover this extravaganza. These are five-ton reptiles with brains weighing only three ounces, a brain to body mass ratio matched only by reality TV stars".

"In fact", adds Mr Pardloe, "the Mesozoic Era had an appalling record for health and safety, and dinosaurs must shoulder some of the blame. How do you think all the continents got ripped apart from each other?"

COVID beaten, PM confirms

Thanks to Britain's world-beating handling of the Covid 19 pandemic, Boris Johnson has confirmed the illness will no longer exist on our shores from July the 19th.

Looking resplendent in a bright yellow fluorescent hazmat suit with Prime Minister stencilled across his left breast alongside a union flag, the PM confirmed that COVID had been beaten hands down.

'We've seen it off and that's an end to it once and for all. We've tanned its backside, flattened its sombrero, and given it a jolly good cuff around the ear just for good measure.', the PM is thought to have said.

'It certainly won't be back here anytime soon, killing hundreds and thousands of us left right and centre', he continued. 'But, in the unlikely event that it somehow does reappear, and that's highly unlikely Carrie tells me, then the public will only have itself to blame, as quite clearly it won't have been following our latest and most excellent advice.'