Pandas are f$ck machines

It is official, pandas are off the endangered list and back on Tinder. After years of conservation and bucket loads of lube, China has declared that their ‘furry f$ck monsters’ are back in the saddle and ‘ready to party’.

Until recently, Chinese zoologists had run out of ideas on how to get pandas to mate; from goth erotica to sensuous nights with Robert Smith. Yet none of it worked, proving The Cure is worse than the disease. Finally, they hit upon the idea of not watching the pandas having sex and suddenly, freed the shackles of scientific voyeurism, the pandas lost all their inhibitions.

One Chinese scientist explained: ‘We also needed to regenerate their natural habitat, which it turns out is a circular waterbed, draped in silk, with a mirrored ceiling. The pandas asked us to put some bamboo back into our forests, so they could ‘put some wood’ into theirs. Now they’re swinging all over the place and we don’t mean from the trees.’

Officially there are 1,800 pandas living in the wild - and boy, are they living it wild. Forests are now filled with the sound of rutting pandas and Barry White. Asked why he had started procreating, one panda replied: ‘Well, I just thought, if Matt Hancock could do it, so can I’.

Shock, as politician attends football match without his photographer

Ticket sales reveal that for the Euro Final, half of Wembley’s seats are allocated to MPs ‘on a freebie’ and the other half to their press secretaries. Sadly, one unnamed backbencher, has forgotten to bring his camerawoman, rendering the whole ninety minutes a complete waste of everyone’s time.

Said the MP: ‘I thought I’d arranged everything. Oversized football shirt to wear over my suit. Check. Pint of working-class liquid, to hold – but not drink. Check. Selfie with Frank Skinner and that other fellow. Check. And then I looked for my official photographer and instead, just found some gormless football fan, painted red and white, leering back at me.

‘This means no carefully choreographed, spontaneous moments of joy. And normally, if I’d forgotten to cheer for a goal, my photographer would have asked the players to replay the previous five minutes.

‘Instead, I’ve got to sit through this insipid nonsense, while Boris and Keith leap around in front an entire production team, pretending they know which team they’re cheering for. How am I going to prove I’m in touch with normal people now? My God, I might actually have to meet one – what a ghastly thought!’

South China Sea extended to include Antarctic penguins

After China constructed a military airbase in Antarctica under the watchful eyes of a colony of chinstrap penguins, the Foreign Minister rejected suggestions China was militarizing the icy continent: 'China has always owned Antarctica. We have a map from 1947 with 90 dashes on it, the dashes go all the way round. And as early as the 13th century we were sending researchers there in ocean-going junks to investigate the climate'.

Dagular