Militias form as PM says protecting Afghanistan is now 'personal responsibility'

Some members of the public are forming militias in their local pubs and workplaces in order to protect the troubled Central Asian nation from sliding into civil war again. 'It’s just common sense, really,' said an office worker from Yorkshire who once participated in a reenactment of the English Civil War battle of Marston Moor. 'Besides, I’ve got annual leave to use up and I haven’t been on holiday for a couple of years so it’ll be nice to see a bit of sun! I’m double jabbed so I won’t have to quarantine when I’m back either.'

Others were against the government measures in the first place, saying that being forced to protect freedom is a violation of their freedom. 'Throughout the past 20 years, I haven’t served in the British Army at all,' one said. 'And yet, I’m not under the rule of the Taliban and neither are any of my mates down the pub. It was all a ploy by the government to control us. Wake up, sheeple!'

Trump sues NewsBiscuit for not writing about him

Donald Trump has included popular 'news' site NewsBiscuit in his lawsuit against Facebook, Twitter and Google, who he has accused of violating his freedom of speech. 'Those guys, they used to write about a lot, I mean lot, pretty much daily,' Trump told reporters. 'It was great to see my name, I didn’t get the jokes but it was great, so great. But now, they don’t, they don’t ever write about me. And it’s bad, very bad. It's so sad. Why aren’t they writing about me?'

Hauliers to join government in being asleep at the wheel

A shortage in lorry drivers has kicked the world-beating UK government ideas engine into overdrive. A spokesman said: 'If there are not enough lorry drivers, then we will just do what we are doing with doctors, nurses, teachers and everyone else: just make them work longer hours. Snoozy hauliers playing lamppost slalom dodgems on their way back from France is just the sort of thing Great Britain needs. Without that sense of danger on our British roads, the people just don't enjoy driving. Not like they used to when all of us drunkards ruled the highways.'